Here it is gentlemen - An expert guide to bedding the woman of your dreams in no time at all.

**WARNING **

If you are someone that can't keep focused on a lot of text this isn't for you...nor is sex perhaps

Or you can always go for the easy or intoxicated alone girls in the careless approach to looks or taste...

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Preparing for take-off

-The bare essentials-

1. Shower. Shave. Shit. These are the basics and must be respected. A visit to the rain room (shower) is a must. Scientists have found that humanis blokus exudes a certain toxic aroma not unlike roadkill after a period of more than 6 hours of physical or not so physical (for the nerds out there) activity so have a nice scrub down until you ar as flash as a rat with a gold tooth. Do the ears, scrub the head, give your undercarriage a good going over and clean your man wand whilst down there. It is advised to clean the pipes to the mental image of your favourite actress as well.

2. Clothing. Plenty of guys think they know wha they're doing in the hair department, but they don't. Best to just wear something you're comfortable in - a combo that has worked for you before and is tried and true to who you are. If you left those shoes beneath the bed of a girl the last time you went on the prowl, wear them (some guys needs every omen he can get). If that pink skivvy with checked pants got you laid back in 98' just accept it as a miracle and wear jeans and a shirt for everyone's sake. For just as a man weighs another man by his handshake, some women judge a guy by his choice in cloth. So go clean, co-ordinated (Remember pants, then shoes) and give everything a polish...and do a lint patrol...or else you certainly won't get one.

3. Underwear. Don't laugh. This is the business end, the in-goal area where a lot of men will make crucial errors. Never freeball. Never. All your ballroom dancing should be restricted to the dancefloor and the bedroom (if you make it) so do yourself a favor and put on your cleanest, coolest and luckiest underwear.

4. Accessories of the metrosexual man. Okay, so a lot of guys won't talk about it, but if you have got a moisturiser or aftershave that makes you smell less like the Kentucky Derbie winners saddle, then splash it about. I hope I don't need to remind you not to go overboard. Remember: Odorologists say the scent of Brut 33 on a man at 20 paces triggers the word 'despeado' in the opposite sex, so go easy.

5. If you're a hopeless bachelor, look alive, because it's time to lear out the empty pizza boxes, well turned pages of Penthouse, and the empty bottles of booze laying around your place. Get some windows open to let some fresh air in and even some scented candles burning away foul smells whilst pumping out fresh scents. Change the sheets on the bed and make sure there will be no interuptions from flatmates, ex girlfriends or the like.

6. SHOPPING FOR SUCCESS

- Aftershave (nothing to cheap smelling)

- Razors (for urgent brazilians or kinky emos)

- Coffee (for the morning after)

- Strawberries (for the sweet tooth)

- Champagne (on ice of course)

- Condoms (let's be optimistic here)

- The Kamasutra (for the ambitious)

Meeting up

-The setup-

7. It's vital you don't make it too ard for her to get to you. Choose a familiar place for both of you to meet at. If it has to be out of the way, pick her up. That way there is no missed trains, shonky directions or "taxis that never came", aka she couldn't be fucked.

8. Do not - repeat - Do not meet her at a bar your friends might appear. You know what guys are like when someone in the group has gone all "Women Over Mates". They'll play up or try to snatch her for hemselves.

9. Don't buy flowers. She'll only have to carry them around all night and you'll look like the dud catch from 'the perfect match'. If things are going well later on, buy her a rose (but don't flirt with the flower girl haha). Note: Flowers are best delivered the morning after a win, complete with a card and sexy message.

10. If you support the Dallas Cowboys, Carlton Blues, Liverpool FC, Canberra Raiders <insert favorite sporting team here> do NOT take her to a game under any circumstance...unless you know she is an avid fan.

11. Avoid places where

a) You are barred

b) The music is too loud (or too quiet)

c) The crowd are on hard drugs

12. If you are at a place that work on tips, tip big on the first drinks. When the serviceman (or woman) smiles appreciatively, ask their name and make mention you'll be here for a while. This way you will get attentive service, and look a bit more persuasive in the eyes of your date. It all counts.

13. Open doors. Going in or out of a venue, there are certain classics that never fail to work their magic and this is a platinum one. If your date is a girl who beieves in chivalry is dead, she could be a lesbian, and you're best start running or ask to watch...depending on her appearence.

14. Check your body language. No scratching your balls, and make sure your stance at the bar or slouch in a chair is relaxed and open...but not so open to give her a huge eyeful of your package...unless that's all you have going for you.

15. Relax. Don't babble on. Speak clearly.

16. If you're offering her a drink, touch her elbow lightly. And if you're ushering her to a seat, place your hand gently in the small of her back (not the back of her smalls).

Let's do dinner

-The food trap-

17. Okay, so you like this girl but hey it's way too early to blow a whole months wages on taking her to some expensive place older couples that stopped talking to one another 20 years ago. Not only are these places going to intimidate her, as well as have you look like a pompus ass trying too hard. Take her somewhere nice and simple, not too heavy not too light...just right...as it were. Read on.

18. When being seated at a restaurant, take a table that is seperated from the rest of the patrons. Try to avoid venues attracting

a) Families with young kids.

b) Young married couples with huge mortages who like to think they're having a big night on the booze.

c) Your single young friends, looking for a cheap meal before a big night on the drink.

19. Keep it real. Make sure you go someplace you will both enjoy. Not to an Indian Curry Hut only to learn she's intolerant to their spices or so to wrap hog anus in a taco.

20. Never order a dish that features a large sausage complimented with two mounds of potato...if you catch my drift.

21. Resist meat dishes where the beast comes with its head intact - particularly pork or chicken??

22. Avoid anything that will give you gas. If you need some release go to the bathroom, no blaming other people or animals or laughing out loud.

23. Cheese makes you smell and sleepy. Avoid it.

24. Don't drink too much. Or else you'll be going to the toilets way too often and having her think what you're doing in there. Drinkly slowly and quietly with no guzzling or slurping, pace it with your food. Alcohol adds to the desire, but takes away from the performance. Watch yourself.

25. Encourage her to try a dish. If you are eating at a place you frequent or that you have heard good things about a certain dish. Your knowledge on good food is sure to impress.

26. Again choose your food premise wisely. You do not want to end up with food poisoning and having her feel sick everytime she thinks of that unforgetable night together.

27. Set down some groundwork before the night. Go in, speak to the chef if possible, and the table staff. See if you can arrange some flowers on the table upon arrival, extra large helpings of after dinner drinks, etc, etc. And ask about the menu and for suggestions.

28. If you're going all out and agree to taste some wines show your wide knowledge of the finer things in life by sipping on your glass and nodding: "Mmmmm, definately wine" she'll laugh. Who couldn't?

29. Pick up the bill. Cheap blokes wank a lot. In these days she may go through the motions of wanting to pay her half, but never let her. You invited her out, you pay.

-Eating in-

...as opposed to eating out. That comes later if she's lucky.

-This is if you can't be bothered with all of the above, parking and snobby waiters. Plus no woman can resist a man that cooks for her. Two obvious and major pitfalls for this angle though.

* She might think you're just trying to get her into your place

AND/OR

* If you don't know how to cook you are screwed.

30. Don't ask her what she likes. This puts too much pressure on having her reveal her tastes so early on. Just ask if she is vegetarian or eats meat (we have a winner!!!) and if there's any allergies you should be aware of.

31. Don't start off with something overly complicated if you aren't certain you can pull it off. Best bet is to prepare something you can easily reheat later without loss of taste or look.

32. If she is a meat-eater (heh heh) stick to a universally loved meat (haha) like beef or chicken. Fish is dangerous, plenty of people don't like seafood. Pork too is something I'm not sure is too popular.

33. Choose something to cook that is simple and tasty. If you want to impress include something she's probably seen on a restaurant menu but is easy to make. Go to Oral Indulgences to ask what these might include.

34. Have decent serviettes and a clean, well set table. This will go a long way in making you look like you a house-trained.

Drinks

35. No-one likes the grog guzzler. No matter how nervous or confident you are, keep the alcohol monster on a leash when you are with your lady. Again you'll be going to piss every 10 minutes, plus you might get a limp dick when you want it at its best.

36. Wine. Some people think wine lovers a a pack of absolute dickheads. They might be right or wrong we aren't debating this...just looking at what to say...if you want to look like you know what you're saying when you don't.

A] "The lady would like to see the wine list"

Giving her the opportunity to order the is gold! She might take it, she might hand it back to you to show off. Win-win really.

B] "How about a rose for the lady?"

There's no denying the seductive charms of champagne, but only a few know the power of pink fizz. A glass or two of Great Rose and you'll ride those nipple-pink bubbles to the bedroom.

C] "And what do you think of the wine?"

If you're struggling for conversation, remember you both have something in common - the wine. Don't be a asshole about it, just talk about what you are drinking. That way ordering another bottle is an exercise in comparison, not a ploy to get her shit-faced.

D] "Because you're worth it"

Don't go for the cheapest wine on the list. Take a step up in class and reap the rewards later on.

Conversation

37. If you've kicked on smewhere funky after dinner, shift the eveing up a bit by ordering a cocktail. But if she asks for a Screaming Orgasm, don't at anytime counter by ordering a Quick Fuck.

38. Before you get to actual conversation, just make sure that if you're drinking a cocktail, you're not twirling a little umbrella. It looks incredibly gay. Trust me.

39. Talk is cheap - except on dates where the right connection might just get you laid. Have something intersting to say. Avoid stories about ex girlfriends, mothers, babies, etc, etc.

40. Probably est not to talk about your time in the service smoking weed, or how you got that nasty case of crabs.

41. Don't try and be smarter than you are, smartass. No tall tales, no talking about stuff you know nothing about. You get pulled up on totse for it, you might get pulled up on a date for talking rubbish too.

42. Don't mention womenly functions or bits and pieces. If you do you're single for a reason.

43. Ask her about herself. What do you do? How did you get into that? What's your family like? What do you want to do in life?

- Encourage any harebrained scheme she might come out with "No, no, you'd make a wonderful medieval re-enactor. I can totally see you whipping a massive stallion...

44. Try not to swear, or swear too much.

45. Don't let any spit launch itself whilst talking. Chicks don't seem to dig that.

The trip home

-Rounding third base-

46. Look for the signals. If she's ON, she'll be touching your arm, holding your gaze, brushing against you, laughing louder, blinkng slower and licking her lips. If her hand is in your pants it may - just may - be a sign that you are in.

47. Judge the mood. Ask direct, suggestive but non-threatening questions. Did you enjoy yourself? Would you like to do it again? Want to inspect my bedroom ceiling?

48. Hail the taxi. Let her in the backseat first, and then follow closely. If you get the green light, frolick away...and let the driver watch. If he winks, don't wink back - if it's a she...you might be onto something...

49. By now you're on your way. But where to? If you've nailed most of the previous steps it's back to your place for a bit of foreplay along the lines of "I'm not tired, but I feel like laying down..."

50. If you're still onfused about what's going on, look for the 30 foot sign that reads "Enter her here." Found it?

Back at your place

-Closing the deal-

51. Depending on the cab ride, she may not be ready for bed just yet. Brew some coffee and spin some music to get her reheated.

52. Your choice of tune is a good indication of what sort oflover you're about to make, so choose wisely.

53. Don't drag out old photo albums to show her how cute you were as a kid. Not that you guys will be doing that. Don't have old photos of yourself laying around is what is being said. She wants to bed a man not a boy.

54. Challenge her to a game of strip blackjack. Lose.

55. If she wins, play double or nothing at Nude Twister. What do I mean 'double or nothing'? If she wins she gets to do to you what she wants, if you win, you get to do to her what you want. Rawr.

56. Tell the cat that it has the night to itself outside to prowl, killing native wildlife at will.

57. As much as you might want to, don't turn the tv on to see what episode of Walker: Texas Ranger is on.

58. Dance with her if she'll let you. Your waltz might soon become a foxtrot and then develop into a horizontal samba.

59. Don't pull the old yawn and stretch move to get your arm around. Unless she'll find it funny or cute and you both laugh.

60. Double check your bedroom of any porn mags lingering around or dirty underwear whilst she is sipping her beverage on the lounge.

61. Don't dither around. Pick your time, and suggest to head towards the bedroom together.

In the Bedroom

-The Final Countdown-

62. You've done the hard work, now don't blow it.

63. Light those candles or dim those lights. It's party in the pants time.

64. Let her set the pace. Undress her slowly like you're peeling back the petals of a delicate flower. A light touch will light a short fuse - I assure you.

65. Tell her she is beautiful and that she is special. Tell her it's the best night you've ever had since first setting your eyes on her...or since the Colts went to Superbowl. Whatever works for you both.

66. Don't rip her clothing unless she tells you that's what she wants. Remove your pants and socks in one swift movement...she doesn't want to see you in a pair of socks.

67. Trace lines around face face, nibble her ears, kiss her neck, suckle at her nipple like a naughty piglet.

68. You're there. You've done it.

The morning after

-The ins and outs of in out-

69.

DON'T: Fart, roll out of bed or thank her for coming (either sense). Don't leave to go down to the bar to brag to your friends. Don't forget her name.

DO: Wake before her, then go brew a coffee. Suck in that sweet smell of success. If it's time for her to go offer to drive her yourself or call her a taxi and be prepared to pay, kiss her like you mean it and don't leave anything open ended if you're keen for a second meet. Subtly get a second meeting organised. Job done.