Gimmie the cash

Bring money. This may seem obvious, but there is nothing worse than going to a strip club and not having any cash.  While it may sound tempting, that crack in the dancer’s ass is not for swiping your credit card. Also, it’s more than likely than not that the dancers have a child or drug habit to support, so they need as much cash as they can suck out of you. And even though most of the time you have to pay to get in, it isn’t a free show and the “service” charge at a club ATM is generally outrageously expensive.

Pre-game warmup

Get drunk or buzzed before you go to the club. Most establishments have a two-drink minimum anyway, but of all the places to go sober, a strip club is certainly not it. Not only are the drinks watered down, but you could be using your money for a far nobler cause. Like stuffing it into a g-string.

There are many like it, but this one is mine

 

No lurking other guy’s dances. Sure, you can watch a dancer give another guy a dance, but if you find yourself in the seat with him, you’re sitting too close. Pony up and get your own.

It’s very touch and go

No touching – unless it’s allowed. Always ask or you’ll find yourself bounced quicker than a quarter off J-lo’s ass. Each club in each city is different, so it’s better to be safer than sorrier on this one.

I must be in the front row

Don’t sit in the front row unless you plan on tipping the dancers on stage. Last time we checked, these women weren’t working for UNICEF. If you have a problem with this, see rule number one.



 

Shanghai Shuffle

Unless you use $20 bills to wipe your ass, avoid the champagne room at all costs.  Most of the time you get the same dance and the same rules apply as on the main floor. Sure, depending on what club you go to, various explicit activities may occur in said rooms, but you’d have a better chance of winning the lottery then getting something more. Most of the time all you will do is waste your money.

Head gasket

Tip the guy in the bathroom at least once. Sure, we think the idea of giving some derelict in the men’s room $5 for handing us a towel is lame, but if you throw some cash his way he'll generally leave you alone. Then you can feel free to grab a mint, gum or anything else they have to offer.

Three’s company

Bring your girlfriend – if you can. And if she does go with you, let the dancers know it’s alright for her to get a dance too. Most dancers actually respect other guy’s girlfriends if they bring them to a club. Yeah, we couldn’t believe it either.

Beware the succubus 

 

Don’t fall for the chick that sits next to you and pretends to be your friend. She is a professional, and is there to serve one purpose and one purpose only – emptying your wallet. So if you really think she’s interested in the TPS reports you dealt with all day, guess again. She is interested in your bottom line, however, and how much of it will be hers when she walks out the door that night.

Share and share alike

Don’t Bogart a chick all night long. OK, so you’re rolling like Diddy and have money to burn. Be a good sport and let the other guys have a go, too. It’s just the right thing to do. 

That’s what friends are for

 

Don’t let your horny friend, who hasn’t got laid in quite some time, alone for more than five minutes. He will invariably disappear and spend most, if not all of the rent money for the month. And then blame you for letting him do it.