Due to popular demand and the fact that we love trying weird
foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature
"Taste Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new
edibles for future installments: E-mail us at tastetest@theonion.com.
Cheeseburger In A Can
Never let it be said that we don't make sacrifices for our
readers. Terrible, greasy, wadded sacrifices. When word hit the
Internet that a German camping-supplies company was marketing a
canned cheeseburger, we were instantly buried under a wave of
requests—nay, demands—that we get our hands on one and rate the
experience of eating it. The German company doesn't ship to the
U.S., but we paid an embarrassing price for one on eBay, acquired
by an American soldier currently stationed at a German military
base. (We're fairly sure it wasn't smuggled out of the country in a
coffin, à la American Gangster, but we aren't 100 percent
positive.) A few days later, we all eagerly gathered around the hot
plate in the A.V. Club labs to see whether
cheeseburger-in-a-can could possibly be any good.
Answer: no. Oh dear sweet shrieking Lord, no.
According to the instructions, canned cheeseburger works like
this: You toss the unopened can into a "bain-marie" (or a double
boiler, for those of us here in the States) and heat it for 10
minutes. We didn't have a double boiler on hand in the office (and
who the hell takes one camping, anyway?), so we just used an
ordinary saucepan. Possibly we robbed ourselves of amazing
deliciousness by not using the proper double-boiler method, but we
seriously doubt it. We did, however, let ourselves in for an
alarming racket, as the bubbles boiling up under the can rattled it
around in the pot: