The Top Sports to Drink At

If sports fans were at all honest, they’d admit that going to watch a live sports event is not the ideal way to enjoy their favourite sports. Being in a 50,000-seater stadium usually means you can choose between being close enough to see the ball, but not the context, or seeing the flow of play but not the ball.

What’s more - there are no replays, sofas, or mute buttons, nor can you change channels when the game goes into a lull. This is precisely why alcohol is such an important accessory when attending a live sports event. Whilst some sports events are livened up by a couple of pints, others are virtually torture without the same.

Here are our picks for the best sports events to drink at:

Cricket

Cricket was probably designed for drinking. In the old days spectators at county matches spiked their tea with brandy and put cucumbers pickled in 100 proof grain spirit on their sandwiches. Today, security staff are more alert to the effects of strong liquor on the behaviour of fans, who as a result have to make do with beer in plastic cups.

Because it is virtually impossible to see anything that happens in a test match, bar players walking up and down the field, these plastic cups of beer have developed into an important part of the sport. They not only help fans to settle into a deep relaxing sleep, but also assist them in relating better to other bored spectators.

Horseracing

It’s a sobering fact that should a ban of alcohol be implemented at horse races in the United Kingdom, the suicide rate is likely to escalate five fold. When it comes to a sport where people bet away thousands, alcohol is often the last refuge and solace of the luckless.

However, alcohol may also play an important role in helping people deal psychologically and emotionally with the effects of wearing ridiculous hats. Female racegoers caught passing out at car parks or emptying their bladders on the turf, have merely chosen the most logical response to the humiliation of having to wear cardboard wedding cakes on their heads.

Football

It’s universally recognised that it is virtually impossible to get a good football riot going without first dosing up on large quantities of liquor. While many football stadiums ban liquor precisely for this reason, smart football fans find a way around these rules and regulations, mostly in the form of plastic sachets filled with their spirit of choice.

Any alcohol that remains unconsumed can also be used for setting fires when the riots really get going. The importance of firelighting cannot be overemphasized, particularly in Scotland and England where hypothermia claims the lives or extremities of hundreds of football fans every year.

Golf

Golf would be no fun at all if spectators didn’t shout out totally irrelevant words of encouragement from the gallery just as players swung through crucial shots. This would, in turn, be impossible if those shouting the words of encouragement hadn’t first had the function of their forebrains shut off by large quantities of alcohol.

The fact that golf and whisky evolved side by side is no accident either. Golf helped the heavy drinking Borders area Scots who invented the game get exercise and thus avoid perishing from cirrhosis, while the whisky performed a complimentary function by preventing these same individuals dying from boredom during golf matches.