A group calling itself End Software Patents debuted Thursday and you can read serious discussions about the undertaking here and here . … But not here.

End software patents?

Unlikely doesn't begin to describe this long-shot wrapped in an ain't-gonna-happen. Rat's ass, hell freezes, monkeys fly … not one comes close (and I've always loved monkeys fly , too). So, being at a loss to describe this venture's unlikelihood, I instead offer 10 unlikely things that are all but certain to happen before software patents disappear:

10. Shoppers who buy a toaster at Wal-Mart will receive as a gift a free Cisco Catalyst 6500 .

9. Britney Spears will play Mother Teresa in a Lifetime biopic.

8. Roger Clemens will tell the truth.

7. Bill Gates will file for personal bankruptcy … while still in his pajamas .

6. Google will acquire General Motors .

5. Tom Cruise will convert to sanity.

4. Dick Cheney will replace Jon Stewart as host of "The Daily Show" after Stewart signs a contract to play for the Knicks.

3. Ralph Nader will be elected president … of Mexico.

2. All of the world's spammers will awaken one fine morning, recognize the error of their ways, and just cut it the heck out.

1. Bill O'Reilly will make sense.

Then we can talk about the end of software patents.