We’ve all been there: it’s a beautiful day and you can’t bear the thought of going into work. So you call in with the lame-old excuse about feeling ill even though you know your boss doesn’t buy it. Besides, "feeling ill" is at best only a short-term solution that won’t win you any fans at the office. That’s why if you’re going to play hooky, you need an excuse that will help you save face as well as your sanity. Here are some ideas.

1. (For women) "I have really bad cramps." Now before you dismiss this one, think about it: Who can argue? It’s such an embarrassing topic that nobody will ever challenge you. It’s one of those things that men honestly have no clue about and women can sympathize with.

2. (For men) "I have horrible diarrhea." Again, before you dismiss this one, remember that it’s such an embarrassing topic — especially for a man — nobody will doubt your sincerity. Plus, it’s simple. You don’t need an elaborate back story because no one wants to hear the details. If anything, your boss and co-workers will admire you for your honesty.

3. "I’m having an allergic reaction to _______, and I need a day to recover." This excuse requires a few details about when and where it happened as well as the details of your food allergy, but Google should give you everything you need. The upside of this excuse is that you can use it more than once. The downside is that it requires a good memory and some vigilance: for instance, you can’t claim a peanut allergy and then gorge yourself on Thai food at the next company junket.

4. "My grandmother’s/grandfather’s memorial service is today." This excuse works for two reasons: first, because elderly people die everyday no one is going to think your excuse is unlikely; second, no one is going to question (or resent) a death in your family for fear of offending you. If you play your cards right, this excuse is good for four free days — one for each grandparent — with each new job.

5. "My wife/husband is extremely ill and I need to stay home and take care of them." The excuse is a gem not only because you get a day off, but also because it makes you seem sensitive. The only drawback is that it requires an accomplice — namely, your spouse. As such, you may want to save this excuse for a special occasion when the two of you can organize a special three-day weekend.

6. "One of my children got in trouble at school. I need to go meet with his/her teacher and the school counselor." This is only one of a multitude of excuses you can use with mischievous children. Just recycle the same formula — child gets in trouble, child needs help, parent to the rescue. This works with children of all ages, from children traumatized by irresponsible day-care workers to playground fights to errant teenagers. (Hey, this is one of the perks of having kids — they torment us 364 days of the year and we get 1 day off. Fair trade.)

7. "I took some work home last night and will be going through it today from home." Whoever invented telecommuting should be sainted. Just remember that in order to sell the "working from home" excuse you need to email or call the office a couple times throughout the day to maintain the ruse that you’re working. The best time to do this is at lunch — that way you get credit for the call but you don’t have to answer too many questions.

8. “I have a doctor’s appointment.” At the very least, this excuse is good for a half-day; however, you can get a full day depending on how you plan it. Remember that people are nosy and they will probably toss-out some open-ended questions about how you’re feeling when you get back. The key is to be vague on the details. Visits to the doctor are much more effective if shrouded in mystery, which allows you maximum flexibility if you need to use the excuse again.

9. "I got pulled over for speeding on my way to work the other day and I have to go to traffic school." The idea here is that you had minor trouble with the law (emphasis on minor) and you have to pay your dues. A variation on this would be letting your license expire — or at least claiming it did — which means you had to go to the DMV and take a written test as well as a driving test, which could easily take a full day. After all, the DMV has its reputation for a reason. And finally …

10. "My accountant made some clerical errors on my taxes and I’m being audited." In the wake of the Enron scandal and the demise of Arthur Andersen, this excuse is a sure-thing. The important thing is to make the accountant look like the bad guy — you just need to be there to make sure he doesn’t do anything shady. Once again, the key to this excuse is to make everyone feel sorry for you, not envy you. What are your best excuses for getting out of work? Better yet, what are some of your worst excuses?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kari Whitaker is a technical as well as creative writer. In addition to articles on education and careers, she also enjoys writing short stories, essays, and poetry.

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80,000 jobs were cut in March in the U.S. 152,000 jobs total were lost in February and January. So, with that comforting thought, is anyone else here freaking out? I can’t sleep at night, thinking about how I’m going stay out of the dreaded unemployment line. Visions keep going through my mind of me serving snowcones out of one of those portable booths this summer or worse: me substitute-teaching in the public school system! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! That’s about when I wake up in a cold sweat, rush to my laptop, and start madly sending out resumes to anyone and everyone I can (except the public school system, of course).

If you’re as paranoid as I am about having a job three months from now, here are five suggestions from a frantic mind on how to keep your job during the recession:

1. Blackmail the boss Remember that company holiday party where your manager got up and sang “I’m Too Sexy” after one too many shots of egg nog? Remember how you caught the whole performance on your camera phone? Now is the time to put that footage to good use.

2. Knock off the competition There are many subtle ways to get rid of that annoying new guy horning in on your territory, threatening to remove you from the picture. Talk him into taking projects that are bound to fail, for instance. Undermine his efforts behind the scenes. Catch him breaking company rules and report him anonymously to HR. Desperate times call for unkind, underhanded measures.

3. Kiss up to the boss Bosses love to have their egos stroked and they hate to get rid of people who stroke their ego. There’s always someone else more annoying, more unpleasant to be around that they could ax, but you? No. You make them feel good, feel like they can conquer the world.

4. Become entrenched Every office has a few individuals who know where everything is, how everything works. They hold esoteric knowledge in their brains that no one else seems to know, and they lock it away there like Fort Knox. These people will never be laid off because the knowledge vacuum that would open in their absence would cause the organization to implode. Be one of these people.

5. Become a superstar Perhaps the best way to ensure your survival during a recession is to be the guy who brings in the most money. You’ve been reserving all your star power for an occasion like this. Now is the time to go above and beyond. Now is the time to be proactive and bring in new business. Now is the time to generate ideas that cut costs or increase revenue. Now is the time to be the MVP they can’t stand to lose. Good luck to you in the recession! Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours…

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