by: Margaret
Paul
Speaking Your Truth to Your Partner
Mark sought my help because he was thinking of leaving his wife,
Linda. He had not been feeling in love with Linda for a long time,
but they had two children and he really didn't want to break up the
family.
"Mark," I asked, "Were you ever in love with Linda?"
"Yes, at the beginning of our relationship."
"Then what happened?"
"Linda seemed to get really insecure once I started my new business
and had long work days. Even though I think I gave her a lot of
attention on the weekends, she started getting angry pretty much
every day. Then after our son was born, she seemed even more
unhappy and irritable. She gets mean when she's angry and I just
don't find that appealing. I don't feel close to her
anymore."
"Have you said anything to her about this?" I asked.
"No," he replied. "She already seems so unhappy. I don't want to
hurt her feelings."
"So how do you handle it?"
"I guess I just sort of shut down and pretend that everything is
okay. But I'm spending more and more time at work because I don't
like being at home and recently I met another woman that I'm
attracted to. I realize I've got to do something about this."
"Do you really think that leaving her will cause less hurt than
telling her your truth?"
"Well, if I just leave then I don't have to deal with her
hurt."
"Mark, that's a lack of courage and integrity. And you have two
children to think about. You once loved Linda and it's possible
that you could again, but only if you are willing to be honest. You
need to give Linda a chance to deal with this. She has no idea
what's going on. She might decide to deal with her anger, or she
might not, but at least give her a chance to make that decision.
And relationship problems
are never one-sided. Perhaps she has things to say to you
too."
Mark decided to tell Linda the truth, even though he was really
scared. He told her that her anger was pushing him away, and that
he didn't like being home anymore because he felt so blamed and
controlled by her. He told her that he was attracted to another
woman who was treating him with kindness and caring, and that he
wanted this from Linda. He told her he had been thinking of leaving
and had sought my help and that I told him to tell the truth. He
asked her if she would join him in counseling.
Linda was shocked. She had no idea all this was going on with Mark.
She thought she was the only one feeling so unloved in the
relationship. At first she reacted exactly as Mark feared, with
anger, hurt, and blame. But he told her the truth about this too –
that he had been afraid to be truthful with her because of this
reaction, and that if she wanted the truth, she need to be open to
it rather than closed and angry. Finally Linda heard him and they
were able to talk honestly for the first time in years. Linda was
actually relieved at hearing the truth, once she got over the
initial shock and they were able to talk. She agreed to
counseling.
In counseling, Mark discovered that Linda also had been afraid to
be honest with Mark, fearing that he would withdraw even more. She
was just as afraid of his withdrawal as he was of her anger. They
discovered that both of them had been protecting against their
fears rather than being open to learning with each other. As they
both opened to learning, the love gradually came back into their
relationship.
People often believe that they are withholding their truth to spare
their partner pain, but their real intent is to protect themselves
from the response they fear. Protecting against pain – with anger,
withdrawal, and blame - will always bring about the very pain we
fear, while opening to learning and speaking our truth opens the
door to love.
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About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the
powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions
Available.
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