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We’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but humans aren’t perfect and it’s only natural for us to judge based on first impressions. Certain items are definitely going to make people think twice about you and could even elicit some stares, eye rolls or chuckles behind your back. Is that fair? Nope. You could be a really nice person, but there’s also the possibility that you’re a total jerk and that judgment was spot on. Give people the benefit of the doubt though and steer clear from these seven items that could put you in a less than favorable light.
7 Sunglasses Inside at
Night
Larry David said that if you wear sunglasses inside, you’re
either blind or an asshole. Looking at you, Kanye and Bono. Nothing
tells people that you’re probably a vain prick when you walk into a
room more than wearing sunglasses inside at a dark bar or club.
Unless you just were, plan to be, or are currently in the “SUN” or
a brightly lit area, leave the shades off.
Wearing sunglasses at night gives the impression that you’re probably trying to hide a nasty case of pink eye or simply don’t care enough to make eye contact when talking to people. So, if it’s dark out and you’re still wearing the shades, you better be swinging a cane or being escorted by a dog.
6 Hummer
You know who should be driving Hummers?
Not the guy at the mall blasting Hinder and taking up two parking
spaces while stocking up on hair gel. Hummers are military
vehicles, and the tricked out civilian versions that pollute the
streets are the perfect way to let everyone know you’re a douchebag
on the go. Driving around in one of these behemoths that guzzles
gas like a freshman drinking beer at a frat party signals to other
drivers that you really don’t give a rat’s ass about the
environment in anyway whatsoever.
Maybe you’re overcompensating for something else in your life that doesn’t measure up, I don’t know… But unless, you’re in the military or plan on starting a special-ops task force with your golf buddies, forget the Hummer.
5 Leather Pants
Are you a rock star? Are you in an outlaw biker gang? If
you answered “NO” to both of these questions then chances are if
you try to pull off wearing leather pants you will be mocked by
those around you — including small children. And just because
you’re in a garage band that can play Crazy Train that
doesn’t qualify you for rock star status. Think more along the
lines of selling out Madison Square Garden and having a pyro guy in
your crew.
“But what if I own a Harley and take the occasional weekend trip to Vermont with Tom from Dental School, leather pants are cool then, right?” Sorry, unless you’re on the most wanted list in at least a few states and have a couple teeth missing from bar brawls leather pants/chaps are a bad idea.
4 Dog Stroller
I actually sort of appreciate people who use these, it
let’s everyone know to avoid you at all costs necessary. In fact,
you probably shouldn’t even own a dog.
3 Bluetooth
“Hey guy, you must be doing pretty well for yourself, cuz I
see you got the bluetooth headset… bet you’re making all kinds of
big important deals, huh?” Nobody is thinking this about people who
wear bluetooth headsets. Chances are they’re wishing you would take
that miniature silver phallus out of your ear and order your extra
value meal, already.
Look, we know you’re a busy person and have crap to take care of, but pick up the phone and hold it to your ear like a normal person. Because unless you’re also doubling as a secret agent or protecting the President, it just says, “I’m a jerk who likes technology.”
2 Winter Hats in the
Summer
When it’s 98 degrees out and your nads are sticking to your
leg like a baby chimp clinging to its mother, it’s probably time to
put the winter clothing in storage. Yes, I know you want to be cool
and stand out, hipster dude, but wearing a wool cap in the middle
of July just makes people wonder if all that heat hasn’t warped
your brain. There are lots of other “cool” and unique hats out
there that won’t bring on heatstroke and make your friends question
your judgment. Sure, it may seem like a good idea at the time, but
when you pass out at the July Fourth picnic people are going to be
standing around asking who wants to revive the jerk in the fur
trapper hat.
1 Tricked Out
Clunker
There is nothing wrong with wanting your ride to look
awesome and turn heads as you drive by, but if those are heads are
turning and people are blurting out, “what the %$#&”, it’s
probably not a good thing. Don’t put a spoiler on a 1994 Dodge Neon
that still has only a coat of primer on it. When your stereo system
cost 3x more than your car and the passenger side door doesn’t open
from the outside, it’s that’s not a good thing. Work with what you
got, but keep it in reason until you have the cash to really put it
towards a sweet ride.
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382 reviews
I know i’m not your target audience but thought your post was dead right until I saw that you included a dog stroller. I know on the surface it sounds strange to push your dog in a stroller, but they serve a real purpose. Most people use it for dogs that have mobility issues, but still have the desire to be included on walks. Dogs can walk when able and ride when they need to rest – would you deny an old dog his wheels?
Ann-Marie, you might not be the target audience but you just showed that this article pertains to you. Dogs have 4 legs for a reason… walking and running like hell! If Fido can’t walk anymore, time for Fido to be put to sleep. After all, he’s only a dog.
I’ve had a dog that reached old age and wasn’t that spry… we just took much much shorter walks. dog strollers are silly.
ummm….I’m guilty of 2 of these….not the bad ones, just the sun glasses and kind of a tricked out clunker (96 Impala SS on 22s!). But I honestly can’t disagree…LOL!
LOL… I like the inclusion of Hummers and leather pants, both of which are generally pretty bank-breakign [thinking of uber expensive fashion leather like my two pairs from Versace, not Harley Davidson gear].
Perhaps I am a douche, or maybe just an elitist asshole – I’m actually quite comfortable with either label, because I really don’t give a squirt of pi$$ what John Q. Public, who has to scrape together change for a case of Coors, thinks of me. Kind of like the sheep laughing at the wolves, doncha think? Let them laugh…and eat cake too if that’s what keeps them going.
But you’re dead on about Bluetooth!
add Tapout clothing. Thanks tapout for making it even easier for me to pick out douchebags.
These are dead on for being a certified douche. One thing missing…Ed Hardy anything.
I agree with everything here except the Bluetooth. In many jurisdictions, you need a Bluetooth or some other hands-free device if you’re using a cell phone while driving, so they’re not *all* bad.
Just leave them in the car. There’s no need to walk down the street with one, or to take it into the office with you.
The bluetooth thing is dead on. Here’s a hilarious excellent article a friend sent me the other day about it:
http://www.ruinedmyweek.com/2010/02/that-douchebag-on-his-bluetooth.html
I agree with all but the bluetooth. If you are someone who needs to spend a lot of time talking on the phone, you can get serious cellphone elbow if you just hold the phone up to your ear.
I own armored leather pants that I wear when I ride my motorcycle to prevent crippling injuries, a bluetooth earpiece I wear when I’m driving to try and keep from getting killed by my fellow ‘drivers’, and I drive a ’90 Golf that is subtly modded to compete in SCCA racing events…
Does this mean I’m a functional douchebag?
I definitely agree with these, but they really should have added an 8th item: wearing your baseball cap backwards. That shit pisses me off to no end, especially when indoors.
I’m going to add white studded belts to the list. What are you thinking??
#3 Bluetooth – My “bluetooth”, as you put it, isn’t there for your amusement. It is, however, very helpful when I’m trying to work on a device remotely (like a web server that’s used for hosting websites filled with snarky little comments about how people conduct their own personal business). I like that I don’t have to do a shoulder squeeze on my phone while I’m typing on my keyboard. At no point did you ever enter into my mind, I’m just a little too busy with real work, get over yourself. The Bluetooth thing is dead already.
Nope Artful, just a douchebag, no need to qualify.
Phew, good to know. I’d much rather be crippled from the waist down, dead, or driving a boring beigemobile than be labeled a douchebag…
You forgot people wearing Ed Hardy clothes
Affliction T-Shirts not included? Seriously?
nothing says “I’m an emotionally insecure and professionally unsuccessful douche and a fashion illiterate” like trite skull and wings graphics spewed all over a t-shirt.
Well, I have two Hummers (an military H1 and an H2) among 20 other vehicles.
The Hummers are quite useful in fending off dazed soccer moms driving pickup truck weaving in and out of traffic while yakking on their damn phones.
However, the best vehicle against those is my M35A2 Kaiser. There are things that would squash a Hummer (the Kaiser is the size of a dump truck).
This was not funny at all. It seems like you started by focusing on guido memes but ran out of ideas so you flailed around at yuppies and hipsters too. I would add “writing college humor knock off list for a crappy blog”. Bro.
Whether you think global warming is real or not, Hummers are just dumb:
1) If you didn’t “get it” after the first spike in gas prices, you will… very soon. China is building 20% more cars than they had the year before, EVERY year. India just started building a car called the Nano. It’s about $3000. They will be selling a LOT of them. The demand for gas is going through the roof. And so will the prices.
2) If you think the oil industry isn’t going to take the cost of the latest spill out of OUR hides, you’re retarded. The only reason it hasn’t happened yet is that they don’t want to make it blatantly obvious.
What does it all mean? If I had a Hummer, I would already have a “For Sale” sign on it. When gas hit $5 per gallon (believe me, it’s coming), you’ll be selling your precious Hummer for pennies on the dollar.
Besides, it’s already a clown truck. The entire country opened their eyes one day and said, “This is stupid.” And that’s why they don’t make ‘em anymore. Driving around in one just shows people that you were the last one to figure it out…
I do not believe Hummers are dumb. Yes, there are fools that believe so, but living through 3 hurricane evacuations was surely useful to have solid 4×4 trucks to be able to drive across fields and level trees while everyone else was stuck on the freeway gridlocked.
As a side business I have 5 rental homes that I repair myself. Ever tried to pull an M105 military trailer loaded with building materials using a Prius ? No, why not ?
I am a car collector. I do not ever intend to sell my cars, so the “for sale” sign jibe is really irrelevant to me.
The Hummer fad came and passed. The fuel efficient car fad came and will pass, it is just manufacturers trying to sell sheeple what is considered trendy.
I am not affected by those trends, the cars I liked long ago and bought I still like today. My cars range from the 1966 Kaiser, 1973 Pantera, bunch of Maseratis and Porsches to the 2005 H2 and Mustang. What do you have ?
Add…
1) Loudest car stereo
2) Loudest Boat at the lake
3) Loudest Motorcycle
In fact, if you try to one-up everything, you are probably one.
I disagree with the leather pants and bluetooth. They way they’re described here, that’s douchebag all the way. But people who use them as intended (just like the sunglasses) are fine. My bluetooth is invaluable at work, when I need to be doing something with my hands while coordinating with someone else over the phone. And leather pants or chaps are very useful if you own a motorcycle and live in Michigan. Unless you only plan to ride from July to August, you need something to keep you warm.
People who walk around with hoodies on in the summer do it for one reason only. They don’t want anyone to see their face because they have stolen something or will steal something. There’s no other reason to wear a hood when it’s 90 degrees outside. You are wearing a hood because you are a hood.
You forgot one reason people wear shades at night or inside.
They’re tripping balls.
And while that doesn’t give them absolute immunity from being douchebags, they’re certainly not as gay as the idiots you pictured above.
@asdf…thats not gay…thats a douchebag…bigot
I disagree with Bluetooth. Why the hell would you want to hold a phone to your ear if you didn’t have to?
If you see a relatively normal person that’s seemingly talking to themselves because they don’t have a phone up to their ear and you don’t immediately think “Bluetooth,” then you obviously shouldn’t be living in the 21st century.
Bluetooth is convenient and improves the quality of the cellphone experience.
Love all the comments along the lines of
“You’re spot on about all these douchey things except the thing on your list that I do.
Signed, major Douche.”
Hey, Spaceman. As long as your hands are free reach over here and fondle my balls, would you please?
Still bashing Bluetooth headsets? Grow up people! Here in the real world, where some people actually like to have career jobs, you sometimes need to speak with clients for long periods of time.
Why should I have be uncomfortable holding my to my ear phone for any length of time when technology solves that problem for me?
Also I cannot always let calls go to voicemail so I am sorry if my talking interrupts your pleasant shopping experience.
Perhaps the real sign of being a douche is writing an article saying what makes others a douche?
Mind you own fucking business douche.
“They do not make them anymore”
Sure. They did not make for a while the Camaro either. And it came back and is as iconic as ever.
But then, for someone driving a Japanese car the Camaro is probably as evil as the H1/H2.
We all make our choices and have our preferences. I just bristle at a group being demonized in order for manufacturers to drive sheeple to buy something else.
I’m not trying to demonize you. You obviously fall into I-have-so-much-money-I-don’t-care-about-anything category. Good for you. Most people DON’T fall into that category. And if you need a truck for work, then obviously you should drive one. But the days of people driving trucks for vanity are over. And waaay more people drove Hummers for vanity.
GM is on welfare because they put most of their eggs in the “big truck” basket. When the price of gas spiked, they were toast. Really dumb. GM is a dumb company with third rate management. GM has ALWAYS hated small cars and they still do. It will likely come back to haunt them… again. The Hummer is the primary symbol of GM’s stupidity.
You’re not a demon. You’re just driving a welfare truck. That’s why I laugh. I’m on the road a lot and a small, fuel efficient, reliable car is what I need. I drive a Honda Civic. All I care about is something that’s reliable and gets good gas mileage.
Android: 1) I do not have that much money, I just take good care of the things I have myself.
2) The H1 is made by AM General, not GM. AM General makes military Hummers, of which I have had one for the last 12 years.
3) Try to drive one.
You guys are all douches.
Mike: because we have the things you want and cannot afford and actually use them for their intended purposes ?
Unfortunately, if you had any idea why leather pants were more motorcycle-worthy than jeans or khakis, you’d realize that #5 is incorrect.
You do know that bono needs those glases cause his face swells and stuff from camera flashes?
“Bono Said in Rolling Stone:
“Very sensitive eyes to light. If somebody takes my photograph, I will see the flash for the rest of the day. My right eye swells up. I’ve a blockage there, so that my eyes go red a lot. So it’s part vanity, it’s part privacy and part sensitivity.”"
Konrad – Nice retort…. Uh Booooooooo
There isn’t such a thing as a 1994 Dodge Neon but an “early 1995″ model and the “1995 model”. I have an early 1995 which is stands out by having a different number of lugs than the rest. My dodge is stock, btw
Android: I have been demonized before by Civic drivers regarding my cars (even about my ’87 Firebird Formula or ’90 Ford Bronco). It is funny the same arguments about fuel consumption could be raised about the Civic by someone riding a bicycle. It is a matter of perspective and a race to the bottom.