Pretty much every gamer thinks that in-game advertising is a
load of old cock. As if constantly being blitzed in the real world
by demands to buy more stuff wasn't enough, the brazen pimping of
products is now a well established business in the realms of the
virtual citizen.
But while we unanimously concur with the old cock consensus,
that hasn't stopped us knocking together this list of 10 in-game
adverts that we think would actually work for one tenuous reason or
another. Check 'em out...
How many hours did you spend playing Wrath of the Lich
King this weekend? 10? 20? More? The latest World of
Warcraft expansion is a re-up for players looking for a new
quest and leveling fix. There have been many tales of chronic video
game addiction in the news the past few years, but I thought it was
time now for a look back to see what the most soul-sucking video
games really are.
6) Halo
Pwn.
I’d say about 90% of the time, gamers play Halo for
casual fun, which is of course, what video games are meant to be.
However, there is a contingent who plays it obsessively, and an
even smaller percentage that are just completely consumed by it.
These are the people who play in tournaments for money, and if you
happen to stumble into a game with them, you’ll have more fun
sticking your 360 controller in a blender.
My friend used to take my headset and talk to four-star level
fifty generals, saying things like, “Do you know what a vagina
looks like?” It’s funny, but the thing is, people don’t realize
exactly how much time it takes to play 10,000 games of
Halo. Let’s say each game is 10 minutes long plus five
minutes of in-between match making time. That’s 2,500 hours, or
over 100 24-hour days of Halo. That’s probably how turn
into this kid (turn the volume down for some super NSFW
language):
Vidoes like this kind of work against the whole “video games
don’t affect child development” claim.
5) Counterstrike
8 v 1? No problem for a pro.
Counterstrike has about the same level of addiction as
Halo, except it’s even harder to play it casually. More
often than not you won’t find a safe haven for new players (or
noobs as you’ll undoubtedly be called). You have to be really damn
good to even start to have fun, whereas in Halo you can
just dick around on Vahalla in the Warthog turret if you want.
Not sure if you’re addicted? Well, it’s apparently a condition
so widespread they’ve even developed a quiz for it here, with questions like “Does your clan have
scrims?” and “Do you think of CS as a sport rather than a game?”
Mmhm, and how many members of the cheerleading squad do you think
the captain of the Counterstrike team lays in a given
week?
4) Diablo
If this screenshot gives you an erection, you may have a
problem.
Now we’re getting in deep. No more of this FPS baby stuff, this
is some hardcore role-playing addictive shit. Any game with levels
is inherently dangerous, especially one like Diablo where
it takes as long to get from level 98 to 99 as it did from levels 1
to 98. You don’t want to mess around with something like that.
And now with Diablo III on the horizon, I fear I won’t
be able to resist the call, as two months of my life were blacked
out of my life from Diablo II, before I uninstalled the
game when I realized I was missing out on better things. I came
across a sad forum post while looking up info for this
article. It reads:
“I’ve been addicted to Diablo 2 for the longest time, pretty
much done everything you can do in that game, but I think it’s time
to move on.”
I thought this would be followed by something like, “I’ve
realized there’s a lot more to live than clicking a mouse 500,000
times,” but alas, it continued:
“Can anyone suggest something similar to Diablo 2 that still has
the hacking/slashing and lots of different weapons/armors/etc? Must
have free multiplayer.”
Sigh. Another soul lost.
3) Starcraft
It’s more exciting than it looks, I promise.
You might be noticing a pattern here with Blizzard games, a
company that might be compared with Phillip Morris soon enough. I
also loved Starcraft, but was never dangerously obsessed
with it. Unfortunately that can’t be said for those else where,
especially overseas.
In Korea, Starcraft is like a religion, and one player,
Lee Seung Seop sacrificed everything for it. He sat down at a
PC internet café to play Starcraft, fifty hours later, he
was dead. During the marathon session he didn’t sleep, barely ate
or drank, and his body simply gave out. And so we have our first
video game induced death, unfortunately, there are more to
come.
2) Everquest
Um, who needs real girls when you can have this?
Hello?
Before World of Warcraft, there was Everquest,
which became so addictive it was renamed “Evercrack” by the
faithful. At it’s peak over 400,000 players were online, numbers
that now seem relatively low compared to WoW’s numbers
today. But at the time it was just as dangerous, held responsible
for claiming at least two lives.
One is a Tampa, FL case where a father was so obsessed with the
game that he neglected his infant and it died. The second is the
tragic suicide of 21 year-old Shawn Wooley, who was playing the
game up until a few minutes before he shot himself. His mother
claimed he was playing twelve hours a day, and because he was
epileptic, the game often caused him to suffer seizures. She
recognized his addiction to it, and although she sought him help,
there was nothing to be done.
“It’s like any other addiction,” Elizabeth Woolley. “Either you
die, go insane or you quit. My son died.”
Everquest fully opened up the MMORPG philosophy of
“games without an end,” which some argue almost unfairly hooks
people to play until their lives are in shambles.
Everquest paved the way for the final game on our list,
which should be no surprise to anyone:
1) World of Warcraft
Why?
Ten million players currently subscribe to World of
Warcraft, blowing Everquest’s old numbers out of the
water. The game is currently at the height of its popularity, and
the release of its latest Lich King expansion was the
inspiration for this post. The game has truly perfected the art of
the neverending game, with players sacrificing marriages, jobs and
friends in pursuit of …what exactly?
There are many sad tales of WoW addiction spread across
the internet. In Korea, a couple was
charged with manslaughter after they lost track of time during
a marathon WoW session and left their infant alone who
accidentally suffocated. Another story involves two gamers who died a few years ago training for a
difficult quest for days at a time. An online WoW memorial
service was held for them, like they were soldiers fallen in
battle. A screenshot of the funeral is below:
How about in their memory, go outside.
But many will claim that these deadly incidents are isolated,
and it’s true, there aren’t tons of cases where people actually die
from playing the game (although the fact that there are even some
should be a bit jarring). However, the real results can be seen as
more widespread, across average people who have seen their lives
consumed by the game. And with 10M players in a game that requires
and enormous time commitment, you can bet these cases are much more
prevalent. I suggest you read this post called “My Boyfriend Won’t Quite World of Warcraft” if
you want to see the kind of thing I’m talking about.
It’s strange to see someone’s behavior change through a game
like this. The symptoms of withdrawal are much like those of a drug
addict just begging for another hit. Listen to this incredibly
disturbing video of a teenager crying and begging his parents to
let him keep playing WoW. A lot of people think that it’s
funny, but I’ll be honest, it literally sent chills down my
spine.
I’ve stayed far away from WoW thus far. Not just
because my computer is steam-powered and couldn’t run it if I
tried, but because of my brief stint of addiction to an “endless”
game like Diablo, I wouldn’t trust myself near it.
I know there are perfectly fun and safe ways to play games like
World of Warcraft, but just be careful it doesn’t become
more than a game. The same is true for all of these games,
including some I’ve undoubtedly missed. Hell, I’m sure
Tetris can rule your life if you play it enough. Remember,
if you’re doing ANYthing for 10 hours a day, it’s probably not good
for you.
Dead stuff makes a vastly under-rated
contribution to the world of videogames. Sure, the heroes are
usually a living, breathing, virile lot, with pulses and all that
boringly conventional malarky, but dead things bring a much more
varied array of coolness to the table. We're not necessarily
talking dead characters here. We're not even necessarily
talking complete corpses with all the parts. After all, you don't
need to be anatomically complete or in a pre-decomposition state to
have worth.
With Valve's splendid Left 4 Dead out this week, zombies are of
course everywhere right now (seriously, look behind you), so we
felt it was about time to shed some limelight on the less obvious
members of the living-impaired community; the less traditional,
less conventional heartbeat-shy who nontheless bring their own
unique brand of festering to the table. Read on, and see if we've
included your favourite living-challenged lump of inanimate
stuff.
(There may be one or two zombies, but only really cool ones)
Pinata Guy - Manhunt 2
Notable for: Death by hanging just as you reach
his cell. Making us curse the lack of a baseball bat on the first
level. Mmmm, sugary innards.
Dead birds - Condemned: Criminal
Origins
Notable for: Teaching kids that collecting
animal corpses is an 'achievement'. Disgusting mothers and ruining
carpets worldwide.
Burning cop and Axe-in-the-face woman - Resident Evil
4
Notable for: Making us go "Uurgh!" and "Cool!"
at the same time. Confirming British prejudices against mainland
Europe.
Decapitated barbarian - Castle Crashers
Notable for: Being dead and cute in equal
measure. Proving once and for all that you can get away with any
level of gore and dismemberment as long as it's cartoony. If only
Manhunt 2 had been cel shaded!
Dangling corpses - Gears of War
Notable for: Giving us a cheap, ghost train
scare early in the game. Splattering beautifully when shot. Making
us wonder just what the hell's been going on in that prison anyway.
Who's running it? Why's it empty apart from Locust and dangling
corpses? What the hell kind of correctional institute is it!?
Player-controlled zombies - Metal Slug
3
Notable for: Being soul-destroyingly slow.
Obliterating everything on screen with a burst of over-powered
blood vomit. On balance, being the best status change in videogame
history.
Skeleton - Oblivion
Notable for: Looking like a basic bit of
environmental detail until you realise you can use the axe like a
golf driver and whack its skull off down the hall. Fore!
Ahhh. I
was hoping that anyone affected by the "Bloody Mess" perk from the
Fallout series would be on here.
I am all for drprofessor's idea of replacing any of the "first"
posts with something. I personally think that it should say, "I am
a douchebag," as opposed to just, "douchebag."
Notes by karetsmith: Play the amazing game of bowling in 3D and have lots of fun. This game will surely help you to improve your skills and pass your time.
In gaming, first impressions mean everything. Particularly, your
first fight has to be a good one. Sometime it means having a
pushover of an enemy to inflate the player's confidence. Other
times, it means shocking the player with something creepy to
instill fear. Whatever the means of their introduction, the
following 38 first enemy encounters will never be forgotten.
38- Penny Arcade: Fruit Fucker
First encounter:
With
Penny Arcade Adventures protagonits's crushed house providing
him the fortitude to pursue its crushing transgressors, your
custom-built hero then proceeds down the street of his cul-de-sac
where he eventually comes across the small, thrusting robots known
as Fruit Fuckers.
We remember it because...
Any enemy called a Fruit Fucker is going to be easy to remember,
just like any enemy who engages in copulation
with produce would be easy to remember. And in this particular
enemy's case, both attributes apply.
37- Devil May Cry: Marionette
First encounter:
The Marionette doesn't make his its appearance immediately known
in Devil May
Cry, and it takes a little bit of castle exploration before
Dante happens upon. However, after its discovery rest assured that
a combination of swords and bullets make the Marionette appear
about as life-like as a sock-puppet.
We remember it because...
For starters, the prolonged castle exploration sequence makes
the eventual combat segment that much more jarring and distinctive
in comparison, and secondly, the enemy is so unusual, creepy, and
unique looking that it easily makes a strong impression. The game
was also extremely well done, and thus was often played
36-Bomberman: Security Guard
First encounter:
From the second the Bomberman first
steps foot in that diabolical maze, those balloon-shaped security
guards repeatedly attempt to put a halt to his gratifying bombing
exploits. Unfortunately for the guards, balloons don't withstand
blasts from bombs very well.
We remember it because...
Bomberman is a title that has transcended every generation of
videogame consoles, and somehow remained enjoyable and engrossing.
And while the
series, and this title specifically, is remarkable for a number
of reasons, it's tough not to appreciate a sentient balloon who has
the toughness and heart to attempt to stop a man with unlimited
bombs at his disposal.
35-Battletoads: Psyko Pig
First encounter:
Shortly after the player's chosen Battletoad is lowered onto the
screen, a pair of large spikes puncture the ground, and as they
recoil, they leave behind the terrifying Psyko Pigs. These red
swine then attempt to axe those fightin' toads; however, they
frequently fail in their endeavor.
We remember it because...
What Battletoads lacked in accessibility (it was extremely
difficult), it made up for in graphics and creativity. The game
looked great, and is usually remembered as one of the NES's most
graphically accomplished games, a characterization that held true
for its distinguishable enemies as well. The forceful entrance
those unique-looking, pig soldiers made also enabled them to be
forever stamped in gamers' collective subconscious.
As player-controlled Ryu runs to the right, a trio of Helmeted,
Life-Preserver Wearing Clubbers approaches with their
aforementioned clubs raised in anticipation; however, they usually
end up taking a sword to the gut before exploding and
disappearing.
We remember it because...
These ridiculous enemies rarely posed a threat, and usually only
got a shot in when Ryu was occupied with defeating other tougher
foes. However, the combination of motorcycle helmet and
life-preserver, coupled with the fact that Ninja Gaiden was a great
and notable game, made these opponents ones to remember.
33-Ghosts 'n Goblins: Zombie with Red Mullet
First encounter:
Following the kidnapping of
Princess Prin-Prin during her picnic in the graveyard, Arthur--the
player-controlled hero/knight--immediately jumped to his feet where
he was at once met with a pair of zombies sporting bitchin' red
mullets.
We remember it because...
When playing one of the most difficult videogame titles to
complete, one takes special note of the aspects that aren't so
difficult, and certainly killing these mulleted zombies was not.
They also attack in large groups, so not only would the players be
repeatedly subjected to the zombies' bad taste in hair styles, they
would see and kill hundreds of them.
32-Gears of War: Locust Drone
First encounter:
Regardless of the divergent path the players chose at the
beginning of Gears of War,
eventually they would find themselves on an exterior bridge in a
duck-and-cover gun-battle with one, or several, Locust Drones.
We remember it because...
Gears of War is one of the current generation's most successful
games, and it ultimately represents the pinnacle of modern gaming.
Its firefights were intense, and as a result every
encounter--especially the first few--were ones to remember. Also,
GOW's graphics were so striking and explicit that it made all of
its detailed enemies tough to forget.
31-Earthworm Jim: Killer Crow
First encounter:
The arrival of a massive earthworm at New Junk City quickly
prompted a crow whose eyes were bigger than his stomach to attack.
Unfortunately for the crow, that massive earthworm was equipped
with a high-tech ray-gun, and he unsurprisingly was opposed to
being eaten. Thus, the crow was frequently blasted, ironically
causing his beak to separate from his head.
We remember it because...
Like nearly every aspect of Earthworm
Jim, the crow and its subsequent death is laced with humor, and
it isn't difficult to see the irony of a crow losing its beak after
getting shot by the worm it wanted to consume.
30- Bionic Commando: Nazz Soldier
First encounter:
After Captain Nathan "Rad" Spencer landed from his parachute
infiltration, a solitary Nazz Soldier can be seen running back and
forth, blindly shooting his gun, whether an enemy was present or
not. Since the soldier didn't react to movement, it was best to
attack him while he was blindly shooting in the opposite
direction.
We remember it because...
Remembered as being the only platformer where the hero couldn't
jump, Bionic Commando was remarkable for many reasons beyond its
unusual method of traversing platforms, one being, its not so
subtle suggestion that its antagonists were Nazis. This was not
only noticeable from the enemies' similar spellings (Nazz and
Nazi), but from their evil leader's eerily similar appearance to
Hitler.