Wed,
10/21/2009 - 12:26 pm
Ever notice that shadow looming near your shoulder at a bar that
you sense is most likely a beautiful woman, but may only be some
big, encroaching dude? And, on the off chance that the shadowy blob
is, in fact, a beautiful woman, ever wonder why she seems to be
eavesdropping on your chat with the bartender? Well, the truth is,
she’s probably judging your drink. No, she’s not necessarily
standing there to scrutinize your thirst-palette, but she is
secretly taking into consideration your choice of booze. She
probably cares about just as much as your boss did during the
company dinner he found out you drank shirley temples (i.e.
enough). So, perhaps its time to revamp your glass. Or at least
evaluate what your glass says about your ass(ets). Here's what
she's hearing
Whiskey Woodsmen
Straight off the bat, whiskey connotates a burly sort. This
means that however well-groomed and well-versed, you’ve got the
soul of a
backwoodsman. Often extremely attractive to women (who doesn’t
love a semi-brute after all), whiskey implies to a woman that
you’ve got the hootspa to hammer down a door and hang a ceiling fan
or, at least, ride a horse? It’s not so important that you’re
capable of any of these things. It matters more that you’ve got the
dark mind, isolated heart and gritted teeth to bear the bitter
taste - this is what a woman expects from whiskey. Similarly, a
boss man/employer may find you quite the impressive young man if
the drink in your hand is one descended from a long line of
thick-skinned tradition telling of Davey Croquet and other
fur-pelted heroes.
Martini Matters
If you order a martini, you’re practically plastering a sign to
your face that reads, “I have good taste, I have good money, and
moreover I’m exhausted from my high-paying, suit-requiring career.”
Martinis are no little thing. It’s not often a woman hears a young
man ordering a martini rather than the general shot of Maker’s
Mark. A martini means specificity, style and a small
desire to be James Bond. In fact, it’s wise to only drink
martinis straight up if you’ve got such broad shoulders, dashing
suits and natural charm. Otherwise, go for on-the-rocks (and
non-fruity-flavored types), which will slightly tone down the bold
statement and relieve you of feeling watched while you’re sipping.
Martini’s are a general hit with executives and clients of any
kind, so long as you’re not necessarily making them pay for
it...
Mojitos No More
Mojitos can be tricky, because mojitos served at various
restaurant often resemble different drinks. If the glass is simply
prepped with mint leaves, a lime slice, ice and the drink itself,
you should be fine. In fact, this would give off an
impression of relaxed exoticism (i.e. confident and
intriguingly adventurous), and is definitely recommended for those
of tanned, island-looking skin who manage to pull off mojitos like
Hawaiin girls in grass skirts. However, if the glass arrives and
seems to steal attention from your appearance rather than add to
it, meaning that it magnetizes eyes over its frilly, brightly
colored features - go the bathroom and drain it as quickly as
possible. There’s no need to subject yourself to whispers over
questioned sexuality by sipping what seems to be a peculiar
cocktail too flavored to get you favored by onlookers. Unless you
are vacationing at a vast beach resort or lunching at an ethnic
restaurant, try to avoid the mojito if you’re looking not to avoid
a woman.
Screw Your Driver
Ah, yes, screwdrivers - the most beloved, biggest excuse for
specialized mixed drinks of all time. Spun with oj and vodka, the
screwdriver says you don’t particularly like putting up with the
sour taste of alcohol and need a diversion to quickly delude
yourself into enjoying the gulp down. While many people drink
screwdrivers (many of them being women) and they do not carry much
individuality and prestige, this is a fairly harmless mixed drink
to associate yourself with. No, it does not imply you’re the
toughest, manliest of the assortment sitting bar side, but it also
doesn’t condemn you to a damn lonely stumble home. In fact,
screwdrivers are highly likely to slip down so easily you won’t
remember to count until you can’t anymore. At least this way you
have an excuse to ask some stranger to drive you home (though this
is not recommended at work events).
Gin ‘n’ Tonic Tease
Gin and Tonics are definitely some steps up from the
screwdriver. Even if only because they do not contain a fruit juice
but instead a bitter liquor and seltzer water, because they look
elegant and are served in stylishly simple glasses, and because
they connotate a man who appreciates an easy time inebriating
himself without under-appreciating the process, gin and tonics are
the B version James Bond (or, like, James Bond on his day off in a
darkened saloon). Simultaneously, gin and tonics are fairly
nondescript, because a large collection of younger kids, women,
ancient men and even depressed mothers drink them. This means you
aren’t trapped in anyway, but you also haven’t made any kind of
dashing statement, which means more work for you (but less than
having to dig yourself out of Roy Rogers hole). Unfortunately, the
only problem is that many bars go totally heavy on the tonic and
terribly light on the gin, which is difficult to explain to your
wallet and the woman who wonders why you’re chain-drinking
alone.
The Godfather
There’s not much explanation necessary for The Godfather. When
women discover what’s in the drink they’ll raise an eyebrow and
their skirts. When your boss hears you order it, he’ll raise an
eyebrow and possibly your position in the company. The Godfather, a
solid and simple combination of one part scotch, one part amaretto,
says you like it strong, with a kick and close to ‘much too intense
for everybody else.’ The Godfather makes you a stand alone man, not
only because many people rarely order them these days, but because
you’ve managed to put a classic (scotch), with a semi-eccentric
(amaretto) and easily suck them down. This means good things all
around. Moreover, you can drink a Godfather in a tux, tattered
jeans or denim jacket and it won’t matter. The drink itself speaks
so highly of you and your undeniable, masculine strengths, that to
fret over your clothes would undermine everything.
Tags: drinking, Lists, recipes
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