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9 Regrettable Purchases of 1999
Remember 1999? Times were good and we
could waste our money on the dumbest shit imaginable.
Razor Scooters
Nothing promised more and delivered less than the Razor
scooter. Don't let that cool futuristic design fool you. These
things were flimsier than skateboards and would send you flying at
the smallest crack. That "brake" on the back wheel must have been
an inside joke around the factory that somehow made it to
production. All that brake did was emit a fluorescent trail of
melting-wheel-smoke that would help signal the paramedics at the
bottom of the hill.
Sega Dreamcast
The Dreamcast was actually a pretty cool machine. It had good
graphics, could connect to the Internet (editor's note: never knew
anyone who did this) and had some decent games right at their super
cool launch date: 9-9-1999. The only problem was Sony released
Final Fantasy VII that same week for Playstation, and it turned out
to be pretty sweet. So sweet, in fact, that a lot of people decided
they'd rather wait for Playstation 2 instead of buying a Dreamcast.
Dreamcast still could have survived, except for the fact that
software sales sucked because you could just burn copies of the
games with your fancy new CDR drive. Before long, the Dreamcast was
dead. Suddenly the $500 bucks you dropped on a system, game, VMU
and 4 controllers seemed like kind of a waste.
A Ticket to "Star Wars: Episode 1"
Fuck you, George Lucas. That's pretty much all I have to say
about this one. Although the pod racer arcade game is still a good
time, so I guess it wasn't a total catastrophe.
Y2K Survival Supplies
When Prince said he was going to "party like it's 1999" he
probably wasn't picturing a year's supply of canned tuna and 200
gallons of distilled water. Even more confusing than people's
conviction that the end was near was the notion that a trip to
Costco would help you live after the apocalypse. And while your
stockpiles of canned beans and road flares might come in handy when
your drunk and bored one night, the various books/VHS tapes and
CD-Roms you bought on survival would almost instantly be useless.
The information is still good, it's just that nobody uses VCRs,
CD-Roms or books anymore.
Pokemon
Being really into Pokemon wasn't just a waste of money, it was
a waste of your future. This show was so stupid, it most likely
made you dumber. At the very least, it prevented you from getting
any smarter. Then, years later when you casually make a reference
to Pokemon at a party you guarantee that nobody within earshot will
ever willingly have sex with you. On top of all the real damage
Pokemon could do to your mental aptitude and social life, it was a
ridiculous waste of money. "Dad, can I have $200 for a card that
does nothing?" "No problem, I'm investing in websites that do
nothing and it seems to be paying off so far."
Smash Mouth
None of us had to buy Smash Mouth's "Astro Lounge" album in
1999, but a lot of us did anyways. "All Star" seemed like our
friend at first. A catchy anthem that would serve as the soundtrack
for pool parties and trips to the beach. Then, somewhere around the
500th time you heard it, you were left wondering why you bothered
buying the album. There were no other good songs and you were going
to hear "All Star" 20 times a day every day whether you purchased
it or not. What was once music to our ears became a sad reminder
that we helped buy the fat dude who can't sing another cheeseburger
and pair of designer sunglasses.
Mars Climate Orbiter
You were probably too busy livin' la vida loca to notice, but
in 1999 we invested over 325 million dollars in something called the Mars
Climate Orbiter. The point of this mission was to understand more
about the climate on Mars, which already seems kind of pointless,
but none of that matters because the orbiter exploded before it
could come anywhere near Mars. Human error on the programming side
confused a unit of measurement, causing the craft to drift off
course and get destroyed in the atmosphere. It takes a rocket
scientist to make that kind of mistake.
All That Shit You Bought on eBay
Alf keychains. Autographed sports jerseys with no certificate
of authenticity. Shoe boxes filled with Pogs. There was no end to
the worthless shit you could buy on eBay when it burst on the scene
in 1999, and most people were helpless to this new American
pastime. The only thing more painful than winning one of these
auctions was losing at the last second when someone outbid you by
25 cents. Brave new world, indeed.
A Ticket to Woodstock '99
Woodstock 1999 was everything that the original Woodstock
wasn't. It was a corporate sponsored celebration of capitalism that
attempted to squeeze some money out of the Woodstock brand. The
result is one of the worst music festivals in history. Attendees
were subjected to overflowing bathrooms, overpriced food, $4
bottles of water and Limp Bizkit. It's not surprising that they
started setting the place on fire, but that's not really in line
with whole "peace and love" thing the original concert was all
about. Also, people were raped and there was rampant looting and
violence. And did we mention Limp Bizkit? All for the low price of
$150 +Ticketmaster handling fees! What a bargain!
70% Funny
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Dashiell Driscoll
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@thatonedude420 I think your profile pic is justin bieber, that makes you unqualified to make any comments about good music
posted 31 minutes ago
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that smashmouth album is awesome
obviously whoever wrote this doesn't know good music
posted about 22 hours ago
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Dreamcast wasn't a waste of money...sure it sucked for Sega's profits, but for the consumer it was well worth the money, you could own every game without paying a cent. I dont understand why Dreamcast is on the list, why would someone regret buying a system that you could have all of its games for free?
posted 1 day ago
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Final Fantasy VIII was released in 1999 but the Dreamcast was awesome
posted 2 days ago
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dreamcast was epic, try to get parts for it , doesnt even work good as a boat anchor
posted 2 days ago
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