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Why Are You Single? Perhaps It’s The Choice Effect 246 Comments
“It’s impossible not to constantly wonder if there’s
something better, someone better.”
My good female friend picked up her third glass of Syrah-Merlot and
continued: “If I could only choose between three decent guys, it’d
be a done deal. I’d be married already.”
I nodded. Having options–perceived infinite choice–isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. How, then, do you tame indecision, particularly in relationships?
The following guest post, written by Claire Williams, explores some of the more successful approaches… and realizations.
*********
In 2000, Drs. Sheena S. Iyengar and Mark R. Lepper set up a
tasting booth at an upscale grocery store in California. On some
days, they put out a selection of six types of jam; on other days
they set out twenty-four. Although the wider selection attracted
more shoppers, more people bought the jam when there were fewer
options. It seemed
the more choices people had, the harder it was to make a
decision.
The Paradox of Choice explored this infamous dilemma, in which having more options tends to leave us paralyzed and increase our buyer’s remorse. But what does that mean when you’re not just shopping? What about when you’re doing much more important stuff…like picking a job, a house, or – gasp – a life partner?…
If you ever listened to your teachers, talked to your parents, or watched Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, you learned that you were a special snowflake and the world was yours for the taking. But for a generation with more options than ever before, how do you choose when you’ve been taught you can have it all?
Choister?
Today’s twenty- and thirty-somethings approach life and love
very differently than past generations. The explosion of choices
now available has impacted our desires and expectations, and led us
to reconsider traditional decisions. Young men and women are
increasingly reluctant to make the ultimate commitment and get
married, and much of
that is due to all the other glittery options out there competing
for our attention – friends, professional success, 30 Rock, the
people in the world you haven’t yet dated.
If you love choices and think the world is your oyster, you’re a choister.
In a world where you might have twenty careers by your 31st birthday, you just might want to cultivate some more stability in your relationships.
The “choice effect” is that pit in your stomach as soon as the
waiter walks away with your food order and you realize you wanted
what she’s having. It’s a reality, and one that impacts
our love
lives.
So how do you overcome this paradox in relationships? For your mother’s sake, take notes.
5 Ways to Tame the Choice Effect:
Use the following “C”-words to make the other “C”-word–commitment–less daunting.
1. Criteria:
Before I decided to settled down with “J”, my now fiancé from Argentina, there were several key moments where I questioned the very basis of our relationship. As foreigners in each other’s lands, cultural and language barriers have been an ongoing theme. It’s taken him years to accept that in my country we eat omelets for breakfast – not lunch – and my visible upset at the break-up of Tipper and Al made him more than pause (okay, maybe that’s not cultural). But one day while I related a particularly hysterical Jon Stewart shtick, the worst happened. He told me it didn’t sound very funny. And that’s when I asked myself: could I really spend a lifetime single-handedly explaining the nuances of The Daily Show to a newbie?
My non-negotiables had been there from the start: internationalism, spirituality, and ambition. Although J matched me well on these fronts, we weren’t carbon copies of one another by any stretch of the imagination. He spends hundreds of hours a year on photography, and I traveled around the world for an entire year without bringing my own camera. I still don’t understand if a bass and a bass guitar are the same thing, but there are apparently three of them displayed in our foyer. I had never heard of Maradona.
We make trade offs in our love lives – J’s cultural “shortcomings” are made up for by key compatibilities. As I’ve come to believe, a man who has never tasted peanut butter can still make an excellent father. So think about what you need. Not a never-ending wish list about how the perfect partner will want to attend Lilith Fair and share your love of Neti pots. Pick the stuff that matters and find someone with those qualities.
2. Concentration:
Like Stephen Stills once sung: “Love the one you’re with.”
When J and I had been dating less than a year, I moved half-way
around the world for an MBA program. Suddenly
my wonderful, intelligent, handsome boyfriend was a pixelated photo
to Skype with. Meanwhile, real, warm-blooded men played lacrosse
around me. This world will pull us in lots of directions, and you
need to decide what your prize is and keep your eye on it. Don’t
get distracted by every boy or girl that musters the energy for a
“how YOU doin’?” Don’t forget your fiance’s cello concert because
you’re wall-flirting with your middle school crush on Facebook. I’m
all for canvassing your options, but beware the shiny ball
syndrome.
3. Common Sense:
Does your ideal life involve a mud hut in Nicaragua with a partner equally thrilled by jungle monkies? Then don’t go trolling for men on what’s left of Wall Street. If you’re a conservative Christian who’s into side hugs, don’t make eyes at the atheist hippie at the local coffee shop. Yes, opposites attract. Paula Abdul said so. But they aren’t a long-term win. Don’t fall into a relationship that checks none of your boxes. Although you may think this is destiny slapping you on the face, this is actually just adrenaline. Probably heightened from the fog of patchouli.
4. Calculation:
Keep an eye on the clock. Not in the Marisa-Tomei-stomping-your-foot kind of way. But there’s being picky and then there’s being paralyzed. So ask yourself – whether you’re choosing a pair of shoes, a healthcare plan, or a spouse – “How long SHOULD this take?” For example – would you agree with the following: you should spend no longer than an hour of your life at GAP deciding between unremarkable fragrances, and no longer than 5 years to decide on a partner? Like my best friend who, after dating her boyfriend for seven years, suddenly thought, “How much more data can I expect to gather?” and suggested they elope to Vegas. You don’t have to adhere perfectly, but it’s good to step back, pick a number (I just might recommend two years), and buy a watch.
5. Choose Already:
If you went into an ice-cream store and saw a child ordering an
ice cream cone with 7 different scoops, you’d tell him he was idiot
(or not, because that is mean and he is small). Don’t be that kid.
You don’t get to have everything.
And, to be fair, you don’t want to. College buffet lines were fun
at the beginning, but a plate full of
pasta-pizza-ranch-dressing-Fruit Loops loses its appeal after a
while. So choose.
What stops so many of us from making a commitment is our fear that once we make a choice we have to close the door on all the other options. If we marry Andy, we will never date Charles. True. If we become an architect, we will never be a ferret trainer. Also true. However, if we do sack up and choose to become an architect, then we have a whole host of new and shiny choices to think about! Should we make a doghouse or a people house? Should the house be blue or red? Should the building be small, medium, or big?
Choosing doesn’t limit choices—it just changes them. So feel free to pick that city, that career, that partner, knowing that even commitment brings a whole new set of options – children/pets/red and blue houses – to be excited (and angsty) about.
By the way, I picked me an architect. (See how I tied that up?)
*********
Claire Williams is co-author of The Choice Effect, which explores overcoming the Paradox of Choice in decisions–big and small–that affect your life. Her previous writing on navigating choices can be found here.
Posted on June 9th, 2010
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246 Responses to “Why Are You Single? Perhaps It’s The Choice Effect”
June 9th, 2010
3:22 pm
I would consider myself a “choister”. It’s too much fun having available options. Like being able to pack all my stuff into one suitcase and moving to Mexico for a month, like I’m doing in July.
I really like the idea of “Criteria” setting to help making choices. That’s the main thing that helps me commit to serious decisions because if it falls into my set criteria, then it can work.
June 9th, 2010
3:27 pm
Claire, I was wondering how you’d respond to Tyler Cowen considering you wrote the book on it: “In my view, the so-called paradox of choice is one of the most overrated and incorrectly cited results in the social sciences.”
There is something about it that confirms our intuition about choice but were you able to replicate in yourself?
http://www.marginalrevolution.com/marginalrevolution/2009/11/the-paradox-of-choice-is-not-robust.html
June 9th, 2010
3:28 pm
Really great stuff, Claire. I really need to start choosing better…
June 9th, 2010
3:28 pm
Aww man… Love this guest post!!
Claire, your writing style is impeccable and I loved every second of the read. How true it all is… I love the “new choices” directional approach to committing. Very solid perspective and insight.
Cheers to life, love and commitment :)!!!
Patrick Hitches
June 9th, 2010
3:30 pm
Perhaps many people prefer a lifestyle of casual sex, multiple partners, and no commitments.
June 9th, 2010
3:30 pm
Wow! Great post Claire & Tim!
As a lifelong student of human psychology, this is a very intriguing concept. The thing that I wonder is if fear has something to do with the choice. We fear that once a decision is made, someone better will come along. And our fear is the underlining motive for an indecisive and ultimately, single life.
June 9th, 2010
3:31 pm
As a psychology major in University, it blows me away how just the mere perception of choice can dramatically change a human being’s behaviour, emotions, and thought patterns. Very cool post, thanks TIm!
June 9th, 2010
3:33 pm
This hit home with me quite a bit today. I was in a long-term relationship throughout the first 3 years of college and was happy/satisfied/whatever you want to call it. However, over the past year I have really fallen into the choister category I feel like.
I’ve been curious as to what you (Tim) had felt about relationships because you get to do a majority of the things that once I officially graduate, I will pursue. The problem with this is that there doesn’t seem to be an opportunity for a love life. I’ve been seeing girls for a few weeks/months but it seems like my choister habits kick in and I end up meeting someone new who I feel is better or more interesting. I assume that as I get older (22 right now) I will start to move more towards getting married and serious relationships again.
Quick question on this…how will I know when it is time to let my choister habits fade away? Do they ever or is it the 5 C’s that must start to come to the forefront and become a part of me? As of now, I’m happy being a choister, but I feel that it’s important for me to plan for my future so I’d like to know :)
June 9th, 2010
3:35 pm
Tim — are you single?
June 9th, 2010
4:20 pm
I am.
June 9th, 2010
3:38 pm
That’ll teach me to skim read: I thought Tim was about to marry a man from Argentina.
June 9th, 2010
3:39 pm
Great explanation of the paradox of choice. As someone who can sometimes feel paralyzed by having too many options (who cares what Tyler Cowen thinks? I know it affects *me*) and who sometimes suffers from buyers remorse, I particularly appreciated the breakdown of suggestions for overcoming paralysis and getting to a choice. Good due diligence will get you to a good choice – and we shouldn’t pine for the unattainable ‘perfect’ choice.
June 9th, 2010
3:44 pm
i think you’re missing one of the most important pieces of having a lasting relationship with anyone – that what you’ve got is almost always better than starting over. investing in a relationship, even with someone who might not be your perfect match, is worth a lot more than people give it credit! all the time and effort adds up to much more than another blind “choice”. this is one of the most overlooked points in today’s society, and one reason i think marriages and families fail so frequently anymore – that there seems to be no value in having invested time and effort into anything. everything is easily replaceable and new is always better.
June 9th, 2010
3:55 pm
Great writing. I was laughing all the way through :) In terms of commitment, like the real, long term, live-the-rest-of-our-lives-together-and-beyond type of commitment it appears to not be nearly as strong as it once was.
And I think your right, it’s because of all the choices. There are so many temptations out there and so many ways to connect and form a deep relationship with someone almost instantly. One thing goes wrong, and it’s just too easy to jump on FB and rekindle an old flame.
It will take the individual, to make a commitment to LOVE and follow the steps you laid out above. There is a great article called “I will be married to 5 different women in my lifetime” that talks about KNOWING that your partner will evolve and change and you must be willing to fall in love with each “different” woman that comes into your life
http://samdavidson.net/blog/2010/2/11/i-will-be-married-to-5-different-women-in-my-lifetime.html
Con Amor,
~Mike
June 9th, 2010
3:59 pm
Interesting concept and a welcome one to a person wondering the same things two and a half years into a relationship. Also great to see Nicaragua made it into the post because, well, I’m posting from Nicaragua – but NOT from a mud hut! :)
Thanks for the tips. Sometimes it really does get complicated when we’ve been raised thinking we deserve the perfect mix of partner, and worse, that that person WILL come along – eventually.
June 9th, 2010
4:12 pm
I think choice overload’s really only a problem if you start out having no idea of what you really want, so you settle for the best of what you find. Which is never really that satisfying and leaves you always looking for something better.
If you have a clear idea of what you want and trust you’ll find it, whether the values you want in a life partner or the type of jammy flavor that does it for you, it’s so much easier to look at what’s currently available and to hold out for the right one to commit to rather than going through a tiring stream of almost rights (chosen out of fear you might end up with none rather than the right one for you).
Mmmm … I guess that coincides with Claire’s 1 & 2 …
Great article.
June 9th, 2010
4:29 pm
Hi Tim & Everyone,
Following the theme of single, I have just landed in San Francisco from Auckland, New Zealand and would love some local knowledge and/or company – on places to go and things to see. Not really into having a ‘touristy’ experience – but do want to find a Bikram Yoga class, and local music etc.
Any suggestions greatly appreciated
Thanks
Erin
June 9th, 2010
4:33 pm
insightful post Tim & Claire.
Totally agree – sometimes we’re faced so many choices – that sometimes we don’t even know which way is up!
Your post actually reminded of the idea around the ‘quarter-life crisis’ i.e. the self-doubt or lack of commitment around life plans i.e. ‘I haven’t reached where I’m supposed to be on the career ladder yet’, ‘I should own this, this and this by now’ or ‘I’ll find my path…eventually’.
So using your advice on the C-word, make a choice and stick to it.
will re-visit post when choosing that life partner!
good luck to you and your Argentinan architect.
Chloe
June 9th, 2010
4:37 pm
Interesting to see the female’s perspective since in our society they are the sellers, they choose, while men are the buyers, they pick. Thus, I would like to see an article that is more applicable to the male population and perhaps from Tim’s perspective since he has such great insights.
After all and to start, based on some of the comments it seems that while female relationship(s) are extremely enjoyable, fulfilling and fun there are many alternatives and substitutes available, either professional, hobby, self actualization or the not quite so depreciated model, which do not carry as high a cost as choosing a life-long partner; hence the rub with men choosing to lease rather than buy as the value proposition must not be near equilibrium or the market would be clearing more often and staying settled.
In other words, when designing one’s lifestyle why include a woman for a lifetime to the exclusion of any others? Surely when living the 4HWW one has the ability to carry on multiple extremely fulfilling and mutually advantageous relationships all over the world. Even if children complicate things the temporal and emotional support needed from a father can still be sufficiently provided. Consequently, where is the value or is it just a relic tradition from an obsolete templated lifestyle age, like the ‘good job’ or 104k retirement account? I suppose, for some, there may be the progeny issue only within marriage but that may be what the bank is for, right Tim?
June 9th, 2010
4:43 pm
Drop your criteria, drop your idea of ‘your ideal life’. That’s all self-centered bullshit, stuff people think will make them happy.
A relationship isn’t about being happy yourself. A relationship is about being happy together. Even better, a relationship is about being happier together, than you can ever be alone.
So stop all this ‘I want this, I want that’ talk. It’s not relevant. As long as you’re stuck in this self-centered mindset, you cannot enjoy a real relationship.
Once you’ve met the right one, you realize all what matters is being together, because that’s when you both are the happiest. You both will be ready to make sacrifices in life, hell it won’t even feel as a sacrifice, or a choice, because you’re only holding on to this beautiful synergy of happiness. There is no better feeling than that.
Listen to your heart and don’t get confused by conflicting thoughts that the outside world puts in your mind.
Just take an hour every week, sit back, and REALLY think about your time together. When were you really happy? When you got that awesome promotion? Or when you told him? When you went to that birthday party? Or when he smiled at you when you came back home. When you got an A on your last test? Or when he sent you that sweet text. Really take this time every week, to think and reflect, and you won’t make any of those stupid mistakes so many of us do make.
Once you’ve found the right partner, you’ll realize it wasn’t about choosing at all. There is no paradox of choices. It’s people, being in the wrong self-centered, individualistic mindset. And it’s a shame really, because they’re missing out on the beautiful feeling of shared love.
June 9th, 2010
4:45 pm
My problem exactly =)
June 9th, 2010
4:52 pm
I’m a choister. Not only do I like choosing stuff, but choice is one of the foundations of freedom and modern life that has a lot of repercussions, such as providing me with more choice – anything from world travel to Baconnaise (I usually choose the former).
Everything said in this post makes sense, but my problem is this: Almost everyone I know who gets married turn into different beings. They seem to lose a certain perspective that I refuse to live without. And I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t nudge me in that direction, in different amounts, of course. In this case, I elect not to make a choice. For now.
Side note: I had no idea the Gores were separated until I read this. Low info diet, I heart you.
June 9th, 2010
5:52 pm
Yep, need to update the quote about Al Gore on the cover :)
June 9th, 2010
4:53 pm
I missed the line saying it was a guest post, I thought Tim was engaged to a boy from Argentina……oops.. not that theres anything wroong with that
June 9th, 2010
5:51 pm
Hahaha… it hasn’t come to that yet.
June 9th, 2010
5:00 pm
Well, I think you can be married to a bunch of people, but you can only be married to one person at a time, or you might pick another religion. If you were a man that is. But that seems complicated, to me that is.
Falling in love is the best drug ever, so that is a very nice start no ?
My personal no-go tips:
1)violence or harrassment of any kind
2) a bad or neurotic relationship between the mother of your potential partner and your partner
3) someone with sexual issues or complexes
I looked for a pleasant partner, who is great in bed, thinks of me as the best woman ever, and has the same spirit for adventure and ambition as I have, who is generous and open. Someone who, for example, will never complain when friends arrive hungry at the door after midnight but who will be delighted to receive guests.
And when you bump into that person all other details, are details.
You just need to keep falling in love again once in a while with that same person and you will never feel “barred”. You will feel very very lucky.
So maybe it is not a “choice” but just “luck”!!
Some guys/girls have all the luck and others have the choices, let’s call that fair. ;-)
June 9th, 2010
5:03 pm
I like “choosing doesn’t limit choices – it just changes them.” Nice insight….I too quick read and thought Tim was marrying “J” from Argentina!
June 9th, 2010
5:06 pm
Thanks for letting Claire do a guest post. I really like this!!
June 9th, 2010
5:17 pm
I completely agree about the paralysis of an overload of choices, but this guest post had a subtle flavor of “single = bad.” Be truly happy with yourself first, and the rest will follow.
June 9th, 2010
5:27 pm
Relationship to me is a sacred contract that has more to do with Karma and working out past life (and current life) stuff than a “choice” you make. You fall in love, and you are tasked with understanding the meaning behind it and learning what you need to learn from it–the choice is whether you face that and do that, or chicken out. If it’s a choice of who to pick, then you’re not in love with any of them, you’re just choosing a roommate/companion. Look deeper, or what’s the point?
June 9th, 2010
5:31 pm
I was actually thinking about this exact same thing today. For months, I’ve been evaluating options to the point of “paralysis by analysis”. I have three life changing options available to me, but only I am in control to make these things a reality. Afraid to pursue option A (long term travel) in fear of losing girlfriend, whereas option B seems like another great choice, etc.. Go back and forth about which option is best.
I’m finally at the point where I am pursuing Option A full time – I just cleared my mind of the clutter and decided what I need to do.
This article helps put things in perspective, but you need to follow your dreams and let everything around you fall into place, and most of all, be confident that it will.
BTW, thanks Tim for your book. Of all the books I’ve read, 4HWW has changed my life the most significantly.
June 9th, 2010
5:32 pm
Great post, I love the line about “glittery options.” So true!
June 9th, 2010
5:34 pm
The choice effect has happened to me with shampoos in the super-market: I know I need to buy one, but how can I possibly examine all or most of the shampoos available on the shelves? I try to avoid frustration by following advice #4: I give myself 1 min to just pick something and go.
June 9th, 2010
5:37 pm
That was a good read!
In my opinion though, no matter how many choices are displayed to you, when you know what you want – you’ll know when you find it. There will be no confusion either. Our intuition picks up what our rational mind cannot.
June 9th, 2010
5:38 pm
Hmm, there’s something about point number 4 that I find a little funny.
Calculate when to become committed? You either are or you aren’t, here and now, in the present moment.
A relationship can’t have any calculation in it. It’s gotta be spontaneous, trusting your gut the whole way. Going into a relationship with expectations and calculations is a recipe for breakup or worse, one where both people look at each other with dead fish eyeballs.
I truly think so.
June 9th, 2010
5:40 pm
I miss the Tim posts… guest posts are like when you go see a cover band: sure all the words seem right, sure the spirit seems the same, but at the end of it all, not quite. (example: “…might have twenty careers by your 31st birthday.” What?) I read as much as I could, but the references are lacking what I enjoy most of your blog, your view-point.
Hurry and get your book done sir, you are missed.
-Lance
June 9th, 2010
5:44 pm
Why does everyone keep asking me why I’m single, lately? First my family and married friends, and now my favorite lifestyle design blog…Not you too 4HWW blog, not you too…
Great read though. “Pick the stuff that matters and find someone with those qualities.” is a fantastic point. All of my long-term relationships have been built on this very idea. Hopefully, my future ones will be too. Thanks for the insight Claire.
June 9th, 2010
5:47 pm
My dad has a saying, “The hard part isn’t making a choice. The hard part is leaving all the other choices behind.”
Good way to think about it– you don’t leave anything behind, rather you open up different options.
June 9th, 2010
6:10 pm
I appreciated Claire’s points, but have to question the data upon which they were based upon. I know she is well meaning, but to use herself and her partner as a primary data point doesn’t make sense when she herself is only engaged. This makes her evidence anectdotal. I accept her relevance though seeing as how choice, the main theme of the post, is a relatively new phenomenon.
My suggestion, let’s look at how many people the average person now dates before entering into marriage. Has that number increased over the last few decades and if so by how much? Also, assuming people do in fact date more before making their choice, then is the happiness index of married couples increasing due to a more refined and hopefully better choice in partner? My hypothesis would be that the data would point to Claire’s points being true that at the end of the day we just have to make a choice and not let our multitude of options cloud our judgement.
I chose my lady because she makes me laugh and never gets flustered by life. Oh yeah, and she is hot too. Hey, we all have our priorities.
June 9th, 2010
6:15 pm
Guess what ?
When click on the link The Choice Effect at the bottom of the text it takes you to Amazon, where you can get the Kindle edition for $ 0.00!!!!!!!
Thanks Tim!!!!! Obrigado
June 9th, 2010
6:19 pm
Being polyamorous, I’ve chosen to have long term commitment while simultaneously leaving that door for “new and shiny” open. No “buyers regret” when all parties involved are willing/able/desirous of leaving options open. I am getting both long term security and options for pursuing new possibilities when I want them. Requiring that my partners be similarly inclined amusingly narrows my choices down to a much less dizzying array of choices. ;)
June 9th, 2010
6:44 pm
“Choosing doesn’t limit choices—it just changes them. ”
In the fall, I will be at a seminary to begin studying to be a Catholic priest (and continuing to read my favorite Tim Ferriss Blog posts). People always ask me, “Man, aren’t you going to feel so contained? Won’t you feel restricted?”
I always stare at them like they are missing a few neural connections in their brain, but at least now I can point them to a blog post to clarify.
June 9th, 2010
6:55 pm
I’m reminded of Tim’s New Year’s video on the false friends vs. true friends thing? Now that I’m 47 and can remember how in my 30′s I felt like the ONLY not-looking-for-anyone-special person, because honestly, I needed to build the true friendships ‘tribe’ FIRST. The idea of “failing” at a relationship and the “loss” of it was too scary without knowing who was really cushioning me from failure. I’m very picky choosing my friends, so I’d be picky/choosy with the romantic relationship thing too. Crazy circular dynamic. But choosy people appreciate Other choosy people, so that makes me feel less lonely? Thanks for the post and Claire’s insights !
June 9th, 2010
7:03 pm
Full disclosure – Not married, but when I thought I might want to be, I started going to a psychologist to talk about the issue. I had always liked my options. It ended up that the affinity to options had prevented me from moving forward in other respects, and putting my options to death allowed me to advance. I just looked at options in a different way; I was losing out on all the possibilities I’d have if I decided to get married.
I don’t think this helps people who aren’t even dating, but it might help someone who is considering tying the knot but still feels that wanderlust.
Funny story, I have a friend who found a list at her ex’s place; it had things like “get laid,” “go to a sex club,” “get a happy ending,” (that one was crossed off!). She’s kind of timid, and she put herself back in that awkward I’m-not-sure-if-we’re-back-together space … The guy wants to feel like he’s done everything before he ties the knot.
June 9th, 2010
7:14 pm
Ah ha! What is a side hug?? Is it as silly and chaste as it sounds?
June 9th, 2010
7:18 pm
I can’t remember which, but one of the stoics said something to the effect that it matters less what happens to a man than how he responds to it.
Daniel Gilbert goes over some interesting aspects of the paradox of choice in his book Stumbling on Happiness. I think he even mentions some studies on the restaurant example given by Claire (wait… I want what she’s having) which illustrate how bad we are at predicting what will make us happy.
June 9th, 2010
7:29 pm
This is also comparable to the “bystander syndrome”, a well studied psychological state that people go into when somebody is in trouble in a public forum. The more people that are around, the longer it takes for the person to get help. Everyone thinks “Somebody is going to jump in the river and save that guy!” So if everybody is thinking that…nobody does it. Also, I found out when I moved out of my parents house that I’m NOT a total slob, I was just used to them cleaning up. If there was a piece of paper on the floor, I definitely picked it up. Nobody else was going to do it.
And finally, this is a major problem with real estate. On Long Island, you could drive down a block and see five houses for sale. There were too many choices and people drove themselves nuts, ultimately deciding nothing was the perfect fit.
It’s like you say in your book, give people two choice, basic and premium. That’s it. People are too dumb to make smart decisions.
June 9th, 2010
7:41 pm
When I moved to Deutschland, I saw only two choices for work: teaching English or writing/editing/proofreading English text. That made things easy. Just had to get one of those and I’d make it.
Now that I’m back in America (the land of abundant choices) and in the stages of choosing a proper job, it’s reminded me that there ain’t no glory in having unlimited options to choose from. For someone with broad interests, how do you choose which choice to make? Perhaps I should do like Paulie suggested in Rocky IV: “Hit the one in the middle.”
June 9th, 2010
7:57 pm
Very interesting read! As a 24-yr old (the choister demographic), Claire’s words definitely resonate with me (and I loved the “My cousin Vinny” reference). While I agree with her recommendations, I also believe that life partners are not just something to “choose already”. Sometimes I think that I’d rather stay single than be in an unloving, difficult relationship that I rushed into just to get society/parents off my back.
Are you a choister, Tim?
June 9th, 2010
8:07 pm
Great guest post! title caught my attention as I’m starting to just ponder this question myself & Claire gives me good food for thought. Now onto how to bring some choices my way in order to implement the 5 Cs. :)
June 9th, 2010
8:28 pm
So how do you explain people, given many choices, who pick one and are happy with it? Be it a car, a watch, a wife, an early one night stand or city to live in, etc.
June 9th, 2010
8:54 pm
Daniela — I’m so happy you got the My Cousin Vinny Reference — I was sure that would go over most people’s heads!
June 9th, 2010
8:56 pm
Daniela — I love that you got the My Cousin Vinny reference…I was sure that would go over the heads of many;)
June 9th, 2010
9:12 pm
Maria – you mention The Choice Effect happening to you with shampoos in the supermarket. One of the first pages of our book has an awesome quote from an from a choister gal talking about the over-abundance of face-washes, and how to choose:
I was in the grocery store buying face wash, and it literally took me twenty minutes to decide between Neutrogena, Bioré, Dove, St. Ives, Clearasil, and Olay. If we translate this analogy to career decisions, marriage decisions, sexuality decisions, it may take us a lifetime to finally decide who we are and what we are doing.
—Ruby Darling, age 23
June 9th, 2010
9:16 pm
Realizing how grateful I should be. For the ladies, Alison Armstrong in LA teaches this class, Men & Marriage, where you end up with a list of the qualities you actually need in the guy you are going to be with. The rarity of the combination of all these things, for me, makes it a very precious list. Basically: what is on the list is what, if the guy didn’t have it, you would simply not be able to be with him. So: kindness, masculinity, financial responsibility, curiosity. These are some of mine. I haven’t exactly found him yet, but it is a completely different ballpark to actually, in a grounded, clear way, know what these qualities are. :) Such a shift from the endless possibilities thing, which is pretty hellish as far as my experience goes.
June 9th, 2010
9:44 pm
I was, and am still a bit, a compulsive non-chooser. After watching the TED talk http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html I started making fewer choices. Opposite the advice in 4HWW, I asked (demanded) others make choices for me, and I was quite satisfied with everything that came my way. Choice is an illusion, no matter what happens we are still where we will be, in the moment here or there which are the same place. Once we realize that choice is an illusion, we free from worrying about uncertain futures; free to choose to change our life. It’s a struggle, but a great one.
June 9th, 2010
9:49 pm
I have to agree with the commenter who found a strong odor of “single = bad” in this piece. I’d guess for the majority of men, making a commitment has more to do with lack of choice than abundance of choice. Few men I know are more eager to commit than their partners are.
At the same time, I’m glad that the piece rejects what so many of the commenters are saying about some sort of magical feeling and finding “the one”. It’s a big decision, but it’s a decision like any other, and overthinking it doesn’t improve the outcome.
June 10th, 2010
12:19 am
I agree with this article, but I also think that it infers that choosing to be single is the wrong choice. Is ‘not choosing’ the wrong choice? And what happened to “when you know, you know”? If the right person comes along, then the choice should be natural – not require decision making.
Maybe I’m just naive.
June 10th, 2010
12:56 am
Personally, I find it fairly easy to love others, and–after 1 ill-conceived relationship at 19–it’s been fairly easy to find others who are willing to love me to the best of their abilities. While a Jon Stewart fan myself, I don’t use such preferences as a litmus test for relationships. The one question that continually gives me pause is, “If necessary, do I trust my partner to make decisions on my behalf–both everyday decisions as well as long-term ones?” Historically, the answer has been ‘no’, and until I can answer it with a resounding ‘yes’, I will remain a happy serial monogamist.
June 10th, 2010
1:16 am
Ahh!!! Too many choices of icecream
June 10th, 2010
2:53 am
Chandler – Amalia McGibbon here! One of Claire’s co-authors on “The Choice Effect.”
That’s a good question – how do you explain people who make a choice and are happy with it? – because I think with all this talk about the paradox of choice and ‘buyer’s remorse’, it’s easy to generalize that the majority of people feel as if they’ve settled in the end or wish they’d done things differently. But we’re not saying that’s the case.
It’s not that we’re afraid of choosing because we KNOW something awful lies on the other side, it’s because we are aware there’s a CHANCE it could. And the idea that you could make a decision and it be the wrong one – as we learned from watching so many of our parents get divorced – is rather paralyzing.
But yeah – there’s TOTALLY a chance it could all work out! I think that’s what we’re angling for when we take our sweet time…
June 10th, 2010
3:09 am
Human beings are peculiar creatures. We have to find explanations and formulas for everything that happens in life. Whenever we feel that we can’t control a situation, we freak out big time. The truce is that there is no formula for love. Don’t bother. There is still a good chance you are going to be hurt even if you analyze the hell out of everything that happens. The opposite outcome is also very likely. ;-) If you are the person doing the “choosing”, you most likely don’t want to be with (not in love?) any of the “subjects”. If you are on the receiving side of the “process”, run away. ;-)
June 10th, 2010
3:14 am
Amalia again, Claire’s “Choice Effect” co-author. It’s interesting to see that some people think this post has a “single = bad” undertone, because that’s so far from how we feel.
True, this post is finding the tools to move forward in a relationship, but that’s mainly because we just wrote an entire book about how and why our generation is resistant to the idea of commitment. And part of that resistance – two book chapters worth, to be precise – stems from the fact that it’s MUCH more attractive to be single these days.
I mean, this is a whole other conversation, but to give you a sense of the stance we take in the book: “It’s no longer that women in relationships are looking down upon the single masses from their ivory towers, thinking, “There but for the grace of God go I.” They’re watching their unattached friends skip out the door, thinking, “I like tube tops. I like graduate school in Beirut, too. Where’s everyone going tonight?”
June 10th, 2010
3:27 am
It’s great to see someone discussing this topic. I don’t feel the post in any way stated that being single is a bad thing. Choosing a partner is just simply another choice available to us. I am indeed a serial choister and I have been aware of it for some time. It is nice to have a label for it.
Thanks for the great post Claire. I’m looking forward to when you’re back in action Tim.
June 10th, 2010
4:02 am
Meh, it was ok. I can see this working out for a woman, but not necessarily a man. Not to be rude or too cruel, but us guys age better. And older guy is seen as sophisticates and worldly, while an older woman is, well…old. She’d be great for advice and cookies, but not to be romantic with. It is like being with grandma…ick. But if an older guy has taken care of himself physically, has his own business, travels and has friends who value his opinion, then he is a fine catch for even 20-somethings when he is in his mid 50′s.
June 10th, 2010
4:03 am
Ok, sorry for all the typos…lol
June 10th, 2010
4:19 am
Barry Schwartz analyses the “problem” of too much choice very well in his book “The Paradox of Choice.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Paradox_of_Choice
Check out his Ted talk(s) too…
June 10th, 2010
4:50 am
It is not a bad thing being a choister, as long as you are aware of it and do not use it as an excuse because you cannot or don’t want to make certain choices.
I used to be a choister, too. But in the end, making choices and making the best out of them improves your life. At least in my opinion.
There are two very enlightening TED talks on this topic:
http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/malcolm_gladwell_on_spaghetti_sauce.html
June 10th, 2010
5:08 am
“Eating sheep brain in Istanbul” Enjoy the single life Tim before your gf will be asking you were doing what!?? :D -Nab
June 10th, 2010
5:33 am
For a sec I thought you are now engaged to an Argentinian man…
June 10th, 2010
6:21 am
Another TED video with a similar subject. Interesting stuff … especially in this society which is so full of choice and options -
http://blog.ted.com/2008/08/archive_barry_s.php
June 10th, 2010
6:26 am
Great post. I think having the right and stable relationship is a great success factor for people looking to start their own small business and/or switching careers. I have learned over the years that having that stable relationship and support is worth so much more at times of need vs the trill of playing around!
June 10th, 2010
6:48 am
Very good read. I highly recommend the Paradox of Choice book as well. I rarely eat out, but if I drop into any restaurant (even McDonalds or Wendy’s on occasion), I just freeze up.
The problem people have is they don’t have a firm stance on exactly what they want. If someone takes a firm stance on things they don’t want (a feature with a piece of technology, or if the girl smokes), it REALLY cuts down on selection. The problems arise when you walk in not really knowing what you want, buy something, and then within 10 minutes you realize another item was cheaper and had another feature you wanted – you’re never very satisfied.
People also aren’t nearly as accountable for their choosings as they used to be. The book talks about this too. If we buy an item from a retailer, we sometimes have upwards of 30 days to return or exchange it. Just knowing there’s this period means that we’re always thinking about what ELSE we could have chose. It’s quite sad and it’s very difficult to notice unless someone opens our eyes to it. It’s interesting: We have soooo much more selection as before, but we’re also so much less satisfied by our choices.
Keep up the good blog Tim.
June 10th, 2010
6:58 am
Randal, have you seen Helen Mirren lately? Cookies indeed.
June 10th, 2010
6:59 am
Choice is a strange problem in relationships, I am happy that I made the wrong choice even. Living in Japan I had the choice to persuit either the half chinese half japanese girl or the half mexican half japanese girl, I chose the half chinese one, and well it went terribly. However it gave me more ideas of what I actually wanted and eliminated choices I might of had to consider before, not knowing what it had meant.
Before dating my current girlfriend, I had another bad relationship, so I decided to add in some really arbitrary rules, they were as follows: 1. Can drink alcohol, 2. Is not Vietnamese, and 3. Is not a virgin. three things I had trouble with in my previous relationships. However it narrowed my potential dating pool to a manageable size of people I could actually try to pursuit.
In the end I ended up breaking the third rule, but thats not really the point, the rules were arbitrary and there to keep me from getting confused and fascilitate decision making. I ended up dating a Korean girl which was not something I expected, as the fact that my school is about 5% Korean and I had 1 korean friend in my entire time there but she had already graduated and was actually born in Pittsburgh, and my previous experiences with Koreans especially Korean girls had been really less than stellar, meaning, I was hated.
Generally now that I am in the first truly long term relationship of my life, I know I am still constantly bombarded with choices, but to get where I am now would take way too long and I dont even want to think about losing the girl I have. I guess I am also lucky that I dont have nearly as many lost in translation experiences as “J” but I think thats more to do with 4 years of a constant multicultural immersion to the point where nothing really shocks me too much anymore.
June 10th, 2010
7:02 am
Great read.
Overcoming the fear of life based cognitive dissonance.
June 10th, 2010
7:47 am
Thanks for that thought-provoking read, Claire. Reminds me of a George Bernard Shaw quote:
“Few of us have vitality enough to make any of our instincts imperious.”
I find abundant choice bothersome when I’m picking a meal at a restaurant but can’t say I’ve had much problem elsewhere. Two things work well for me:
1. ELIMINATION – be ruthless at prioritising (criteria is important here) and get rid of all but your Top 3 choices; and
2. FAIL FAST – make the best choice you can as quickly as you can (i.e. gut feel) and test it. If it doesn’t work, get out. Immediately.
A word of caution: my mum and her current partner also like the fail fast theory and they’ve clocked up 8 marriages between them (preceding their current relationship) so no guarantees that you won’t leave a trail of destruction in your wake…
Tim – you (and more specifically, the 4HWW) have inspired me. Thank you. Hope you have a spot in your calendar for a visit Down Under when releasing your next book, would love to see you in Perth or Brisbane!
June 10th, 2010
9:08 am
Interesting article. Yes, today people are bombarded with too many (both real and illusionary) possibilities of potential mates… And, yes, choice can be paralyzing. But, perhaps, what’s changed even more is people’s value system.
For modern women, marriage is not the main goal anymore. Women want independence and self-actualization. They often adopt the male self-defenses and think that sleeping around means they are in control. Men can also do just fine on their own now – they don’t need a woman to wash the dishes or do their laundry. And of course, many bachelors get awe and respect from their buddies if they are a commitment-phobic, “ladies man” – it’s a status thing, deeply embedded in our culture.
I think we are single because we forgot what matters.
Let me ask this – is being in a committed life partnership the natural progression from having casual relationships until you’ve found “the one”? Or could they be two alternative experiences: one of dispensable, sensual, superficial interaction, and one of a deep, soul-changing, sacred relationship? Because you either spend your time on one, or on the other. Of course, being open enough for the latter involves a lot of risk; none of us should commit to just anybody. But if you have found someone you are passionate about, what more should you wait for?
Maybe selecting the right person is not the biggest part. Perhaps there can be many “right” people for each of us. But what matters is what we do after we select. It’s how we inspire and change each other, try to be our best selves for each other, the special memories and history we create together, and how we are there for each other in ways nobody else can. It’s about creating a romance that can be compared only to art, it’s about sharing yourself and discovering parts of yourself you never knew existed; it’s about creating a private world between two people which never has been and never will be again…
Many people seem to think that relationships just happen on their own, and their success depends mostly on the “rightness” of the partner they have chosen. But I’ve come to think that like any worthwhile project or endeavor in life, as long as you follow your heart to tell you the “what” (or “who”), what really matters then is the “how”, and relationships exist to be built, grown and enjoyed with active, positive, conscious intent, each and every day.
June 10th, 2010
9:17 am
@Claire
Sorry, but your relationship with “J” [Julio, Jorge?] has been doomed from the start.
Like yourself, when it comes to relationships, most women over analyze everything… and they make themselves miserable in the process [watched “The Hills” lately? ]
Remember the joke? “Men think about only three things: beer, sports and sex. An also sex…” Particularly, *particularly* Hispanic men and *particularly* Argentinian men [I lived five years in Argentina: I am a "red blooded" heterosexual American man - and yes, to me, there were at least 24,000 types of [jam] beautifully stunning Argentinian girls…]
When it comes to American women, for a “red blooded” Argentinian man, there are not “24 types of jam” – there are at least 24,000 of them, and their intentions/dreams are to sample *all* of them!
He has already done it, he is doing it now and/or he will cheat on you – Right now, he is most likely considering at least three or four women he already knows: your best friend, you sister, the cute girl at Starbucks, the petite brunette next door, etc.
Sorry, again.
June 10th, 2010
9:25 am
I love this article. I’m 36 and have always had a problem with making choices. I know I want what I choose but what about all that other stuff that I’m not getting? Oh, I want to try that too! This has stopped me from living my life on numerous occasions and was a very difficult habit to break.
Thanks for the great article.
June 10th, 2010
10:19 am
There are two opposite ways we can make choices. The first one is looking for the best choice. This becomes complicated to impossible when the number of things to choose from is big. The other way to choose is looking for something good enough. Take a fix set of criteria, the first choice that fulfils all criteria is your choice.
There is research that shows that you are more happy with your choices when you apply the second way. If you choose by the first way and finally made your choice, you are still wondering if it was the right one.
Furthermore people tend to use the first way with material selections (like choosing a TV-set) and the second way with more emotional choices (like choosing the next vacation or bf/gf).
I think the problem you describe is not choice but commitment. People who cannot find a partner often don’t have a problem to find a mate but to commit to one of their mates. No matter who comes along.
June 10th, 2010
11:09 am
Good stuff. Of course it’s a rare MAN that has such choices (except for those of us involved in “the community”, of course). I take ALL dating advise from women with a grain errr… bucket of salt. Fun article, though.
June 10th, 2010
11:10 am
interesting article and it did get my mind going, thank you.
my only criticism is what others have pointed out already, a tone of “single is bad”. seems like women in particular have this feeling, including my mother who is always so much happier when i am in a relationship.
i think if you are someone who is independent and wealthy you just don’t need or may not even want a long term relationship and certainly marriage would be pointless even if you love someone(you don’t need government papers or church approval for true commitment).
sometimes too much choice is troublesome, but thinking you have to pick something seems just as bad to me.
June 10th, 2010
11:36 am
In my experience, I have far more clarity about my life and my choice when I’m drinking water. ; )
Also, when you are really ready for a relationship, it has a way of finding you … no matter what you do.
There’s much to be said for experiencing life and becoming clear on your always evolving preferences. I love the fabulous guys I dated 10 years ago and am very appreciative of where I am now.
Enjoy life, either way,
Christine Hueber
June 10th, 2010
11:47 am
Great guest post! Couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time :)
June 10th, 2010
11:52 am
It really all boils down to selfishness. People foster their own environment of having too many choices because they are selfish. “I want it all!” as Freddie Mercury once said. Many people today are unwilling to stick with things because it’s simply easier to fail and move onto something else than work hard to try and succeed. That’s why the divorce rate is so high and why most people don’t ever seem to “do great things.”
So what if the girl you are dating/married to isn’t the prettiest? You probably aren’t the most handsome guy in the world, either.
So what if the guy you are with isn’t as smart as your best male friend? You probably aren’t as smart as you think you are.
So what if you realize after ordering your food that you wanted what “she” was having? Eat what you ordered and then have what “she” was having the next time. Unless you’re sitting on Death Row I don’t see the problem.
You get out of life what you put into it. I am in an interracial marriage (my wife is Thai) and rather than get frustrated at having to explain something we’re watching on TV to her, I choose to enjoy the fact that I get to teach her something, and I love it when whatever I’m explaining clicks for her.
Focusing on the negative (“can I live with a guy that I have to explain The Daily Show to?”) is a conscious choice. You CHOOSE to have that be a problem, so it should come as no surprise why people who think this way are still single. That attitude is selfishness.
Box-checking is fine so long as it doesn’t become paralyzing. Don’t have so many pre-requisites for your significant other that you end up being single forever because no one lives up to your expectations. YOU YOURSELF probably can’t even live up to the expectations you place on your potential mate.
June 10th, 2010
11:55 am
Hi Tim and Claire,
I think this epidimic of choices isn’t the real problem…
I think it only reveals something that has been there for ages: people do NOT know themselves.
Therefore, they are easily distracted by shiny objects…
When you know what you want with 100% certainty and clarity, there are no multiple and conflicting choices.
But that takes listening to yourself and finding your TRUTH rather than what everybody else is telling you is true: you have to listen to your heart and I don’ think many people know how to do that, not in this world of so-called specialists and experts.
Endless choices don’t help either, that’s for sure…but the real issue (as far as I’m concerned) is, has always been and will always be that people don’t know themselves.
More choices is like more money: it only magnifies who you are and how you think.
Have a great day, and keep on learning about yourself
Damien
June 10th, 2010
11:58 am
Hmmm …
I’m more the “you really can have it all” type of person.
Very timely post though, as I’ve found myself pondering these partnership questions …
I think for me, redefining what passes as “monogamy” is what I’m doing now.
For me, polyamory sounds better and better … and maybe more importantly … the self-growth that is jump-started by choosing that type of lifestyle I think we could all use more of.
(examples: having to be 100% honest, real with feelings, hacking away at self-deception, etc)
That being said, I agree with the author for the most part, I’m definitely aware that having more choices is the reason why it’s harder for me to commit to one person nowadays (as opposed to growing up in a secluded town, no internet and no real view of how vast the world is and settling down with the first love from high school).
I likes it :)
Best,
Caleb
June 10th, 2010
12:15 pm
I totally concur with Chris Odell’s comment (June 10th, 2010, 11:10am).
The article was fairly reasonable regarding the paradoxical duality or inverse proportionality that can exist between selection amplitude and one’s ability to actually make a choice.
Be that as it may, there is something to be said for a life of solitude, or simply a protracted period of being alone. Which obviously is a choice in its own right.
Some of us have very dynamic professions, where we have to sky up between countries or continents, not just for brief visitation but oftentimes indefinite relocation. This can make finding a long-term companion quite difficult.
While the article underlines some fair points, it’s important not to let that eclipse the dignity, solemnity and even (without intending pomposity) richness of self that can be found in flying-solo.
The article risks adding to the constellation of pressures the newer generations feel to make an ultimate choice and settle down ASAP.
While I would like to have an intimate companion again one day, I do try to be careful and not rush anything. This is equally if not more important.
While a deluge of choices can stymie the act of choosing, one mustn’t choose simply because they feel they must.
It’s important to remember there is no shame or stigma in leading a solitary life. Whether just waiting for ‘when it feels right’ or simply choosing not to choose.
If carried in the right way, it can be part of a meaningful existence.
Perhaps this is a spectacularly banal point, but it’s worth underlining, I think.
June 10th, 2010
12:23 pm
Thanks for the great read!!! It seems that I am always single (and I enjoy it, especially being 24 y/o) however, I do crave a meaningful relationship. I feel that I can be too choosy when it comes to dating and that hinders my opportunities to find love.
P.S. Tim- I would totally date you!! :D
June 10th, 2010
12:23 pm
Every comment here misses the main principles of decision making. All decisions (and I mean ALL decisions) consist of several main components. Those components are: alternatives, uncertainties, probabilities and preferences. In good decision making, you can assign numbers to each component and mathematically calculate your best decision in every situation… if you know how. It’s easy. You just have to stop and think. Analyze. Not waste time gathering unnecessary data. Yes, I’ll bet, you are already starting to oppose me on this, but fact is you can algebraically resolve every decision in your life. Quickly. Without pondering endlessly. Read about it in the book: “Quick Analysis For Busy Decision Makers” by Behn. It works. And, don’t forget, good decision making has nothing to do with the ‘final results’ that you obtain. It has to do with the ‘process’ you use to decide. You can choose poorly and win. You can choose well and lose. Ever hear of an idiot that made a stupid choice only to end up with amazing good fortune. Or, ever hear of a genius that made an intelligent lucid well-thought decision only to face total disaster. Decisions and Results are NEVER related. Ever! It’s a disconnect. (OK, I’m ready for you. Send me your disagreements. …But, first go read the book.)
June 10th, 2010
12:23 pm
It is very Tim to say limit the choices and just make up your mind. Life is too short and there are too many places to explore and adventures to be had. I could not agree more. This works everywhere too. For instance, my closet. I bought some fun clothes on my last adventure to Europe and Dubai. Some great linen. But now whenever I go into my closet I have to spend twice as much time deciding what to throw on. And then packing for a trip is all the more difficult. Now it’s time for Spring cleaning I guess.
The more you can consciously think about how your decisions will effect the ease of difficulty of future decisions and actions, the better. Clothes, mates, honeymoon destinations, you name. You never miss the things you didn’t choose as much you think you will later on. The good news is whatever you decide will offer great experiences and if they turn out to suck then just take a mini-retirement and choose what’s next.
-Scott
June 10th, 2010
12:29 pm
I have to admit I never thought of relationships in this context but darn if it doesn’t make perfect sense now upon hearing it.
Thanks for reaching out to Claire Williams for this post, Tim.
Great stuff.
June 10th, 2010
12:29 pm
I also found a definite tone of “single is bad” pervading the article. I have been married (for eleven years) and can tell you that marriage isn’t for everyone, and certainly not for me. At age 55, I’m much happier with friends with benefits. We are programmed to think that we must marry, and that’s just not true.
June 10th, 2010
12:32 pm
I totally concur with Chris Odell’s comment (June 10th, 2010, 11:10am).
The article was fairly reasonable regarding the paradoxical duality or inverse proportionality that can exist between selection amplitude and one’s ability to actually make a choice.
Be that as it may, there is something to be said for a life of solitude, or simply a protracted period of being alone. Which obviously is a choice in its own right.
Some of us have very dynamic professions, where we have to sky up between countries or continents, not just for brief visitation but oftentimes indefinite relocation. This can make finding a long-term companion quite difficult.
While the article underlines some fair points, it’s important not to let that eclipse the dignity, solemnity and even (without intending pomposity) richness of self that can be found in flying-solo.
The article risks adding to the constellation of pressures the newer generations feel to make an ultimate choice and settle down ASAP.
While I would like to have an intimate companion again one day, I do try to be careful and not rush anything. This is equally if not more important.
While a deluge of choices can stymie the act of choosing, one mustn’t choose simply because they feel they must.
It’s important to remember there is no shame or stigma in leading a solitary life. Whether just waiting for ‘when it feels right’ or simply choosing not to choose.
If carried in the right way, it can be part of a meaningful existence.
Perhaps this is a spectacularly banal point, but it’s worth underlining, I think.
June 10th, 2010
12:42 pm
I recently moved to California from New York and I did this because I wanted to grow as a person. Upon analysis, I found that I maintained relationships at the expense of living my life. Now I’m living my life at the expense of some relationships, BUT the ones that matter are still intact, AND I am forging a true relationship with myself and with god. The only two that really matter (in my opinion).
June 10th, 2010
12:42 pm
Nonsense!
There’s a reason why 53% of marriages end in divorce, and of the remaining ones, likely only about 3-5% would be considered “successful” by any stretch: marriage simply does not work. With at best 95% odds, people are fools to get married and lock things up with someone after just a couple of years of dating. Why not celebrate milestones like 10 years?
And to think we need government permission to marry is insanity.
Long term relationships are good, but putting the cuffs of marriage on them usually assures that it will end badly.
June 10th, 2010
12:43 pm
meant to say “95% odds of failure”
June 10th, 2010
1:01 pm
Good point about wanting it all, and too many options slowing us down in general…
but…
wish you also talked a bit about why we think we “NEED” a partner and is it statistically a good choice for most people???
I mean “choist”
June 10th, 2010
1:10 pm
I appreciate the post; however must someone choose? I know it is for many, but maybe not for all. Our culture is changing and so is the world around it; the work 30 years and retire process has come to be challenged, has not the necessity that someone must get married be challenged as well? The article is very well written yet I catch constant undertones of compromising and settling. Which, in my sense, does not thrill or even encourage me to rush into marriage, I think I’ll take sometime finding myself first :)
June 10th, 2010
1:11 pm
I’ve recently been putting myself into the mental state of ‘how does this apply to MY business’ whenever I read anything… and trying not just to listen to the point being made, but also to extrapolate to how it applies to me.
I think I accidentally read this post in that mentality….
When choosing a niche to launch your muse / auto-generated income… you will have an infinite set of viable niches to test …
1- Criteria – No niche is perfect, pick one that matches your criteria. Don’t go trying to sell x-treme sport gear or information when you have a BMI of 35 and have never done anything extreme before in your life.
2- Concentration – There’s always another pretty niche that some one else is working on… if what you are working on is showing potential, do not jump ship, or you will never develop one fully.
3- Common Sense – Opposites attract. It may seem interesting for me as a guy to attack a female niche, or may be interesting for me as a geek to go for something ‘cool’ … but I think playing up my strengths as a geek or a guy or whatever my strength may be, brings more leverage to my niche than starting on something alien
4- Calculation – Set yourself a time target to test your niche , or to choose your market… don’t spend 10 years dabbling with a niche , market , community without fully committing to developing things to the max
5- Choose already – Making a choice doesn’t mean loss of choice… once you make that first choice, it changes the next choices you have to make … now that I’m in THIS market, how do i best serve the customers, what products are they dying for, how do i best develop and deliver those products…etc
Insanely good business post Tim… and congrats on the engagement to the Argentinean :)
June 10th, 2010
1:15 pm
Great links to the Ted talks — these are awesome!
June 10th, 2010
2:03 pm
#1 – I too read too fast and thought Tim was marrying a man from Argentina. That’s pretty funny that so many people thought that.
#2 – This post is full of more interesting comments than any other one I can remember ;-)
Thanks everyone!
June 10th, 2010
2:39 pm
What a great read. I was getting giddy thinking that Tim has met the man of his dreams in Argentina. How romantic would that be?
June 10th, 2010
2:55 pm
But what about love?
I might be a strange and unmodern person, but what about just failing, literally falling, in love?
June 10th, 2010
3:05 pm
Wow, great post! Really enjoyed reading this one.
I agree with the criteria one. I’ve actually been told to implement it before. I made a mental list (somewhat long list) and kept my eyes and ears open. It wasn’t terribly long before the perfect man came along! We’ve been together for almost two years now and are planning our wedding. :)
June 10th, 2010
3:17 pm
Timely advice as I navigate the dating world in my late 30′s. Perhaps I can finally shed my ‘choister’ ways!
June 10th, 2010
4:02 pm
Hi all-
A great talk on the subject of choice is the Malcolm Gladwell talk on spaghetti sauce at the TED site.
Great read, interesting extension of the choice paradox research, but…
1. Humans aren’t hair products.
The problem with choice here is that there are other humanbeings involved. For example, let’s say you’ve narrowed your criteria, limited your choice, and commited to some given person or even personality type. This gives you no guarantee that this person or type of person is going to be attracted to you. Generalizing traits and qualities of attraction and healthy relationship choice is only marginally helpful. IE. It might help you to use it to AVOID toxic relationships. Relationships happen in a complex adaptive system in which the players usually don’t know or can’t be honest with themselves with what they really want.
2. Love is alot of things but is rarely logical in anything but hindsight…
People often try to define relationship success in a rearview mirror by stating all of the reasons that things made sense and all of the traits shared by those involved that made it possible. Its such a charged and desirable subject matter that people will latch onto reasons and defend them to the death. The truth is: noone really knows what they’ll fall for until they’ve fallen. The only way to prepare for anything that one might want with other humanbeings is to deserve their attention…IE If you think you might want to meet a great woman…Deserve a great woman.
If you’re not sure of any decision involving a romantic or otherwise deep relationship…Then you’re simply not ready to make a decision or haven’t gotten to the point where you’re able to be honest with yourself that you probably don’t want what’s being offered to you…this is a decision in and of itself btw.
Love isn’t a goal. Love isn’t measurable. Love just is.
Peace,
PPC4
June 10th, 2010
4:53 pm
Wow.
This is quite a blog… so glad it was passed on to me. I love to hang on trees too and balance on random objects, which was my initial draw to the blog post…
But then sitting here in my grad school ethics class, bored out of my mind (still in class right now, pretending to look engaged), I really enjoyed reading the guest article on Choices and Choisters. Choisters could also be a hipster/ /choice/single hybrid I imagine :)
June 10th, 2010
5:27 pm
Advice from my favorite happy ‘old’ couple; I live and love by them:
“1) Find someone who is good to everyone, through the hard times they will be good to you
2) Find someone who will make you a priority… ”
People change, lifestyles change; so best to find someone who loves you for the good in you and gives you the freedom to grow and change. Expectations otherwise can lead to unhappiness, dissappointment and even resentment.
June 10th, 2010
5:28 pm
I didn’t think this article advanced a negative view of the single life; it’s simply written for an audience that would prefer not to be single.
That audience may have lost a few members after reading Claire’s piece. Her description of the mating game is so… clinical. It did not appeal to me at all.
Then again, I’m young(ish) and have not yet lost my taste for the occasional Shakespearean fling. I use my egg timer for eggs and not relationships. Check back with me in a few years and I’ll be timing my relationships around my eggs.
June 10th, 2010
5:44 pm
All great advice! These are all things I do intuitively. Once I recognize I’ve been holding off on a decision for too long, I gather all the data I have available to me and I make the best choice given what I have in front of me to base that decision off of.
One way to reduce the nasty effects of the choice paradox is to avoid it altogether. That is where the wonderful world of filters comes into play. Having a friend who has an identical opinion as you in a particular area of life can help cut down choices. Reviews and testimonials and competing products help cut down choices. And by the very nature of where you spend your recreational time cuts down on the people you are exposed to. Just don’t get greedy with your choices… you don’t truly know what you have until you get rid of it for something else in the distance.
June 10th, 2010
5:50 pm
PPC4… I think you echo my own thoughts fairly well. This is the first of Tim’s postings that really doesn’t strike a chord with me.
I’ve found that the older I get the less inspired I am about our conventional relationships, i.e. marriage. I think it’s fast becoming an outdated concept. Historically marriage was a practical thing to do and if you look at our parents’ parents… it was less for love and more for economics. Today the notion of marriage has swung the pendulum the other direction – women don’t need a bread winner for the family (in most western societies) they’re perfectly capable of providing for themselves. Women also don’t need men as “seed” providers, science and adoption (ala Angelina J.) have gotten around that issue. What that leaves is “love”… what the hell is that you ask? Beats me, if I knew I’d be a billionaire. I think the concept of “love” is highly individualized and per TIm’s previous post sometime ago about “happiness” is entirely vague in definition.
So when I hear someone talk about applying the “paradox of choice” to something as highly complex as a life partner I have to say “good for you, all the best.” Personally, I don’t want to be someone’s good enough.. he’ll do. I’m not some acceptable variable to be plugged into someone else’s life equation. Conversely, I’m not looking for that perfect (whatever that is) or ideal partner to fit into my life. Actually, I’m not looking at all… no time limit… no 5 years… no stop watch. If I meet someone and it “feels” right then it will just happen without any great big life decision. No, it’s not scientific.. not even rational.. but “love” isn’t.
Thanks for the post Tim…
Cheers
L
June 10th, 2010
6:44 pm
Great guest article. I just I’m a choister, but the article made me realize I was and now I know and can fix it… if I want to.
June 10th, 2010
7:23 pm
I could not agree more. I am in the beginning stages of collecting research for a book about dating! This is a great article that I think explains today’s dating world – especially with online dating. The idea of “shopping” for a significant other! TOO many choices – and most are just mediocre. But, we have to keep looking… just in case! ;)
June 10th, 2010
7:43 pm
I used to have trouble with choices until I learned to think of them in terms of the Pareto principle: only 20% matter. Thus, 80% of our choices make no difference whatsoever! Menu items, flowers to plant, brands of shampoo: not that important – and almost always recoverable if you don’t like what you ended up choosing. ( So you grab the first bottle of shampoo, and you hate it; get another different one tomorrow. Go back to that restaurant tomorrow, or even order a second meal.)
As for choosing a mate…that’s probably in the 20% category, although that might even be up for debate.
June 10th, 2010
7:59 pm
First -just a couple of observations:
Tim: Rarely, do you feature women writers, or ideas from women. Thanks, for this insightful article from Claire. Really enjoyed it. I noticed the % of women respondents was much larger in the responses to this guest post than to any of your typical posts. Good to know you have so may women readers, yeah?
Choices: It’s a crucial insight to realize a “decision paralysis” occurs in the presence of too much variety. In a real sense our freedom/liberty/luxury turns out to be confining. Perhaps our best resolutions come by way of a simple array wisely chosen.
Claire: I couldn’t help but wonder if the “Christians and sidehug” reference referred to writer Jon Acuff’s satirical blog (stuffchristianslike.net) and new book by that title. Did it? We’re friends (same lit. agent) and I’ve guest posted on his blog (popcorn prayer post. He’s got the ‘God-BOOTY-God’ thing too…what a hoot!
This post was poignant, thank you.
Tim: your ideas, and your generosity make this blog a great experience. Much thanks and blessing to you.
June 10th, 2010
8:02 pm
The paradox of choice can be cured with a one syllable word. GUT. Go with it. 90% of the time, your nervous system and subconscious will eliminate the “Choister” out of you and steer you in the best direction.
June 10th, 2010
8:06 pm
I agree, figuring out what you want first is the way to go. When you date like the way you shop, there is always bigger and better choices and you can never commit to one thing. But a lot of things look good on the outside, yet don’t end up being that way all the way through.
June 10th, 2010
8:28 pm
Great post.
I get the “why are you single?” question a lot, being a youthful 41 (no kids, never married, never engaged, and never been close).
Personally, it’s not so much a problem of choices for me as it is trying to find someone who fits my criteria. Just when I think I have my list figured out, when I think I have found the guy, other things that are surprisingly important to me sudden come to the forefront.
For example, I never put religion/spirituality on the list because I know that I’m not the most religious person. However, I do have faith in God and find that grounds me especially during difficult times. The last two guys I dated claimed to be spiritual, but when it came down to it, they showed disrespect for anything remotely resembling religion.
So I guess I’ll continue to learn, tweak my criteria, and perhaps the right guy will come along…
I have hope!
Cheers,
M.
June 10th, 2010
10:50 pm
For those of you unable to chose whether to buy Claire’s book – it’s currently free on Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/Choice-Effect-Commitment-Options-ebook/dp/B003P9XDDO/?tag=offsitoftimfe-20
Tim – I hope that link is good. Please do change if not.
June 10th, 2010
10:54 pm
Its great discovering this blog! Of course I’d heard of the famous “Four Hour Work Week” but found out much later that you wrote a blog too Tim. This is an inspiring blog.
Oh yeah I too thought you were hitching up with an Argentinian. Quite touched by the sensitive way in which “you” were describing him! As for hot blooded men playing lacrosse around “you” …well… :)
June 11th, 2010
2:24 am
Great article, picking a partner is sometimes harder then it seems at first but picking someone instead of hoping some more will come along to choose from is the best way. The one you love right then also will get some more choices and that might prove you wrong in the end.
More of this, loved it.
June 11th, 2010
4:25 am
Thanks Claire for the stand in post.
i have to say reading this as a woman i think the main thing is our clocks as woman are ticking…our biological clocks and that makes the difference in how some of us are viewing and responding to this subject!
men can have children in their late 80′s ,as long as their parts are functioning in good form and working!
(btw i know of one these exact men in this very scenario from friends family!)
love+children=success
children with no love=fail
look at all the children in todays world that are being let down by the fathers.
had to mention that as i find it a recurrent theme atm and believe people need to open their eyes alittle to their responsibilities
choice is a great thing but what would you rather a family and children included in that in a loving environment or the freedom to have single life with “one-night-stands-a-la gogo” as much as you like?
about as basic as it gets in choice!
June 11th, 2010
6:41 am
excellent post, I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.
June 11th, 2010
8:15 am
This was a good article and really made me reflect on my own personal life. I can easily make choices on 99% of things. I’ll take my time on bigs things like a house or car, but I don’t like to dilly dally and keep the train from moving along, so to speak.
Irony always seems to set in when it comes to relationships. I’m ready to marry, and over 5 years later he still isn’t. How long do you wait? What’s the deciding factor in saying “enough is enough” and moving forward? I’m indecisive about his indecisiveness. Arghhhh!
I personally think that intimate relationships is where EVERYONE makes stupid choices. I mean look at the divorce rate. I’m sure we’ve all seen a situation where we ask ourselves “what are they thinking?” when we see a couple who soooo should not be together run off and get married. Even if you are indecisive in your relationship, that’s still technically a choice your making, isn’t it?
Good article!
June 11th, 2010
10:00 am
Tim
The article hits something that too many people suffer from multiple choices.
The range includes foods films theatres books partners destinations, the choices are for some too much. They are all around us bu that does not mean we must look at every one. Just enough to mae a determination that enough information has been gathered. From here we can make an informed choice.
Choices opens not closes options and the person with the most options has power. As in the book Less is More to narrow ones focus and create niche thinking improves the quality of our lives. ;)
June 11th, 2010
12:45 pm
What a wonderful blog – and thoughtful comments. How about this one? What if you’re a divorced, pretty, physically fit woman just about to turn 65 years old, and the most attention paid to you in the past many years has been by the long-married fathers of your daughter’s friends or the husbands of your best friends – even your currently married ex-husband? It’s flattering, of course, but so disheartening. I’ve gotten very philosophical about fidelity, as a result. If I ever decide to start dating again, it will be with the full knowledge that men roam – and that if I can turn a “blind eye”, perhaps the relationship can still flourish. However, I’m one of an always exploring, busy, happy, large group of women who, while we dearly miss sex and companionship, just aren’t willing to put up with what appears to be men’s never ending search for a taste of someone different. Plus, I like just throwing a PB&J together on pumpernickel with lettuce and calling it dinner! So, make that reality part of your grownup, mature selection process – talk with each other about how you’re going to deal with that. It’s important.
June 11th, 2010
1:56 pm
I took away nothing from this post of value except the reminder that increased choice reduces buying. Perhaps it was aimed at females. A male is well advised to date heavily and widely before settling.
I find broadness of choice very valuable in many areas, for instance nootrophics and information management applications.
The writing style was cloying, cutesy, and contemptible in its concentration on c-words.
June 11th, 2010
1:59 pm
I would suggest, as does Eckhart Tolle in the “Power of Now,” and in his other writings, that the fear of actually choosing is a symptom of the ego that thrives on MORE, MORE, MORE stuff, relationships, etc. The ego is threatened with a choice as it views that action as a limiter to MORE. If your ego is in control 100% of the time, you will constantly be disappointed and unhappy as your shiny new objects dull with ever increasing frequency.
In the case of relationships, some people want their relationships to make them happy. Once the novelty wears off, they are on to the next selection or flavor of the month. I believe choice can become much easier when one feels complete and content with being who they are without a partner, and then an opportunity will arise to commit to a relationship with a clear head and a present self. Any strong anticipation for a better future is not rooted your being, but a hope (ego) that someone or something will make your life better than it is right now, but all you have is now so embrace it.
June 12th, 2010
2:49 am
Hi guys,
I’m not convinced about setting criteria, what for?
Is having a relation a reasonable goal?
Or is falling in love and be loved the real one to chase in a lifetime?
And does still make sense to consider relation as a one-to-one commitment?
I’m full of questions :)
D
June 12th, 2010
3:48 am
Yeah Tim.
You should take some of Claire’s advice! Stop being so choosy and pick me already! ;o)
June 12th, 2010
3:58 am
???? ????? ????? ???????, ????? ??????? ??????,
??? ?????? ??????? ??????? ??? ??????:
?? ????? ???????, ??? ??? ?????? ????,
? ????? ???? ????, ??? ?????? ? ??? ??????.
Omar Khayam
The Rubaiyat
Sorry, I didn,t find correct english translation and I dare not do it myself. It’s eternal orient wisdom I think.
June 12th, 2010
8:02 am
I subscribe to the general notion that I will always be wiser tomorrow than I am today and consequently decisions made today claiming to have enough foreknowledge of future thoughts and feelings to engage in legitimately long-term, let alone lifetime, contracts/engagements/etc are decidedly presumptuous. This is the honesty and utility of liquidity; it doesn’t presume to predict the future. Granted, it’s absolutely unrealistic to think that one can operate with perfect liquidity, but just because that’s unattainable, it doesn’t mean that what is available can’t be maximized with respect to reasonably defined minimum levels of fitness/stability/etc.
Perhaps before engaging in criteria selection – which can be just as, if not more, difficult as making the actual choice – the more important question is whether a particular decision needs to be made at all! All choices are made with imperfect information, and being able to determine whether it’s worth making in the first place can save much energy/stress/etc.
If a decision has to be made, then streamline the process by defining the non-negotiables and other criteria aggressively, but not unrealistically; aggressive enough to where you would say – ‘I would be perfectly comfortable selecting the first apparent option that met these mindful, ambitious-enough criteria.’ Stressing over a potential 99 when you decided on a 98 is a waste of time. There comes a point when our pal diminishing marginal returns knocks on the door and says that potential nanoimprovements over the current choice isn’t worth the life energy spent neuroticizing over it.
This reminds me of ‘The Trouble With Geniuses’ chapters from Gladwell’s Outliers. The gist of it was that after certain thresholds, it doesn’t seem to matter. Michigan Law students with greater entrance credentials were found to ultimately be no more successful/content/etc in their careers than those with inferior entrance credentials. All that mattered was that they were good enough to get into Michigan Law. Beyond that threshold, each was as likely to succeed as the other.
Ultimately, and inevitably, it seems you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t; you either choose between not making a choice or trying to make the least-mindless one. If it’s a decision that positively has to be made, and often times it isn’t, then set aggressive, but not unrealistic criteria, select the first option that satisfies said criteria, and move on!
Personally, I will always rather be frustrated by too much freedom than too little.
Cheers…
June 12th, 2010
8:54 am
SPOT ON MY FRIEND!
June 12th, 2010
9:44 am
Good Post, however I tend to view partner choice from a different paradigm, as I think many others attempted to express but I think this is the simplest way to explain it…
The article assumes that marriage is one person “choosing” another, like the way we choose pants or a car. It’s not. It’s TWO PEOPLE CHOOSING MARRIAGE. The two people together are the choosers and marriage (a lifetime commitment to one another) is what’s being chosen.
June 12th, 2010
12:30 pm
I am a choister as well. This is something I will experiment with for 1 week. And then I will continue week after week and I will see how it works out for me:).
Good post, Tim.
June 12th, 2010
1:24 pm
Lace, I love that George Bernard Shaw quote: “Few of us have vitality enough to make any of our instincts imperious.”
It’s very interesting that multiple people have noted a sense that the article purveys a “single is bad” tone. That’s not *at all* our intent with The Choice Effect – and the book is very much in favor of singleness.
So much so that we’re in an article in Newsweek today that is actually called “The Case Against Marriage!”: http://www.newsweek.com/2010/06/11/i-don-t.html
A little extreme for my tastes as well!
June 12th, 2010
1:27 pm
Yes Chris – it is FREE on kindle for a few days: http://www.amazon.com/Choice-Effect-Commitment-Options-ebook/dp/B003P9XDDO/?tag=offsitoftimfe-20
Thanks for pointing that out;)
June 12th, 2010
8:08 pm
My choices narrowed very quickly when I started doing spiritual clearing for myself and for others. Finding a sexually attractive mate who shared my goal of “Zero Compulsive Urges/Games” was like finding a needle in a haystack, but somehow we did find each other, thanks to the internet too.
We also practice the art of “Spaces between the Togetherness”.
June 12th, 2010
10:33 pm
LOL, The first read of the article I thought you were speaking and had been engaged to some dude some Argentina. (Not that theres anything wrong with that)
HAHAHAHAHAAHA
June 12th, 2010
11:55 pm
@ Maria Brilaki
Its not deciding who to like like that, rather its making the choice of who to give what chance, it does not mean that you are neccessarily turning your romantic life into a cold calculated souless existence. Basically its deciding whether you want to call the guy you met in the bar back or if you want to meet the guy your mom met while shopping. Not trading your feelings for ideas. Or at least thats how I see it.
June 13th, 2010
12:08 am
The option you can’t have if you are a ‘choister ‘ is the deeply fulfilling experience of a decades long intimate relationship, which can only be created by time. It involves compromise, but it’s pretty special, and not many people experience it anymore…
Really enjoyed your writing style Claire, a fun post.
June 13th, 2010
12:20 am
Sometimes the ultimate choice is to remain single.
June 13th, 2010
1:07 am
WOW. Totally my least favorite article that you’ve ever posted, just plain sad. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts and true love is one of the MOST amazing feelings a human can experience. Love is not a business decision or a house or a car or a f’n career. It’s heart and love and soul and yes we ALL have a right to want EVERYTHING, everything that we want. Hopefully those wants are in check to what makes us happy healthy beings creating a happy healthy world. And NO, you don’t have to make a commitment for life and I don’t believe in marri5age … that’s legal paperwork and religious bull shit with a title and a boxed stigmata that more often then not makes people miserable. We all have different phases in our life and if you tell me now that your exactly the same person you were 5 or 10 years ago then you’re not growing and living the amazing life that’s been given to you. Maybe you’ll fall in love and you’ll stay on the same wavelength and stay together forever … or maybe in 5 years you’ll both have changed so much that the other looks like a stranger. Either is OK … really it’s totally fine … and maybe you’ll have many loves! Most of the people we admire most in history had more then one love … and sometimes there is just that one love that’s different then all the rest … still doesn’t mean you want to wake up staring at that person every single day. That’s ok too! DON’T settle! DON’T think of it as a choice … when you feel overwhelming love FOLLOW YOUR HEART it will lead down a very happy road … yes I used the word happy. Doesn’t mean you won’t fight or have bad days but I promise you if you follow your heart you’ll never have regrets! Live everyday of YOUR life. Ugh, I can’t even believe after all the inspiration on living, breathing, working, traveling outside the box that you’d post how to box your self in – in the most damaging and heart breaking ways of all. If you follow your heart in life love will eventually find you … be patient and believe.
June 13th, 2010
1:35 am
I wonder if people would feel less “paralysed” if there weren’t such large expectations around marriage. What if marriage were like most other contracts – maybe for a five year term with rights of renewal. There are other good sides to this as well – continuous dating and never taking the relationship for granted.
At the end of the day I believe Richard Gere had it right in Runaway Bride – all we can do is know from the bottom of our heart at the time we commit to another person that we believe we’ll be with them forever – it doesn’t mean things can’t or won’t change.
Choice theory is interesting – and in shopping behaviour (and I suggest it applies with relationships as well), people aren’t nearly as concerned with making the best choice, as they are fearful of making a wrong choice.
June 13th, 2010
9:37 am
It might be true but it doesn’t apply in all situation. Life is more complicated than that….I know mine is.
Good writing though. Keep it up.
June 13th, 2010
5:15 pm
I absolutely loved “The Paradox of Choice” and it made so much sense, Tim. Thank you for posting that on your blog, more people need to understand this concept.
June 13th, 2010
5:31 pm
Tim, why are you single you beautiful man? You are the epitome of a person who truly enjoys life to the fullest. I choose to be single because I feel like I don’t need anyone to complete me but me… I would love to have someone there to share my life with me, but quoting one of my favorites: “The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another whom you might share your completeness.” Love that. So true. Keep doing what you’re doing, kid— you are going places!! Wish there were more people like you and myself out there who understand the meaning of life! :) Enjoy, you’re awesome, thank you for sharing your advice with all of this! We love you.
June 13th, 2010
10:14 pm
I choose an equation of life (one of many) that’s wealth=choice. It’s not the currency, coin or even the amount. Money is congealed energy as stated by Joseph Campbell. Energy requires attention to be harnessed and focused. Resources require energy regardless of state it comes from.
A relationship of peace (not of control) demands Concentration, paid through 100% devotion to the experience. Acknowledging the body’s cocktail of neuropeptides helps to avoid cracking a pool stick over a drunk college girl’s head for interrupting a pool game with brother. (It ended peacefully) Still working on the anger neuropeptides myself….
Criteria cites a commonality of not interests alone, and also valuing of the essence of each other. Respect is a loaded word, various meanings are varied as our opinions. Acceptance of the life partners speed of growth and comprehension of words and meanings given from another’s experience.
So if single life is preferred, be sure to tell him every uncensored thought about his mom’s apron strings.
Common sense requires experience of mistakes. There are those special people who require helmets in daily living. (My sister insists I get one for daily wear.) So when f@#%ing up at full speed: Adapt, Modify, Improvise and Overcome. Ohhh, and Remember. The learning curve is steep for those acclimated to sticking with the unwanted story we create about ourselves. (I identify as “Eternal Child who Has Real Super Human Powers.” Woohoo for parkour & capoeira!)
Calculation is patience, timing, ingenuity, creativity and oh yeah and math….It’s taken years to learn about one’s self.
“Dig a little deeper find out who you are, you gotta dig a little deeper, it really ain’t that hard. Once you find out who you are, you’ll find out what you need, you gotta dig a little deeper…Then you’ll know.” Mama Odie
(I threw in some Disney; Sis that’s for you)
Choose Allready. Analysis Paralysis is hard to shake once the thought pattern insists the reasons to delay deserve greater attention than the physical action required. It’s a numbers game. Starting though would help.
For me personally, he’s out there, “I Just Haven’t Met You Yet.”
Micheal Buble, sing it!
June 13th, 2010
10:21 pm
What comes to mind is Bonnie Hunt’s marital tale she told to Bob Costas years ago. Hunt said (paraphrase from memory), “I tried to crack show business for years, and I didn’t get anywhere. So I gave up and moved back to Chicago and got a middle-class 9-to-5 job and met and married my middle-class husband. And then my agent called and said, `I know you’ve quit show biz, but I think you should audition for this one part. You’re perfect for it.’” So Hunt did. And got the part. Which led to others. And then to fame and fortune. And she told Costas (which was cruel to her husband, but her point is valid), “I married my husband when I had this limited middle-class life. But since I’ve become famous I’ve met all these wonderful men, and I’m thinking, `Why did I lock myself into a marriage back in Chicago?!’ But we’re working on our marriage, and trying to keep it together.” Subsequently, around 2006, she and her husband divorced. She experienced the female equivalent of the Village Venus effect. When she left “the village” she saw her Venus/Adonis wasn’t.
June 13th, 2010
10:30 pm
I’m single in my twenties because I’ve not done enough with my life to impress an SO. Is that a paradox or something normal?
June 14th, 2010
7:09 am
Wow, interesting post, only just got round to reading it and the comments and it’s made even more interesting by the synchronicity that it was posted on my 31st Birthday. I find too many options can sometimes be overwhelming but I guess you have to choose something, I don’t think their is a choice to not choose.
June 14th, 2010
1:05 pm
Really nice post,
but can all of it be summarized in just too many choices? This is definitely a part of it, but shouldn’t we be also more concerned that we are all in the “instant relationship” mode. We are not willing to put in any effort to make the relationship work. We just want instant satisfaction, whatever it might be and at the minute it looks as it does not function any more we turn the leaf in search of new perfect partner and the new “in love” emotions. To make it short, I think the answer is in the priorities- or the prize, like Claire said.
PS nice fresh posts Tim, love them.
Urska
June 14th, 2010
9:46 pm
Nice one. Well, I know some with tooo many choices while some with seriously none. It is not all those abnormal personality reasons, both types are attractive. I guess it is one’s ‘tao hua yuen’!
Tim, are you a Choister?
June 14th, 2010
9:58 pm
Why too much choice can be a BAD thing (TEDTalks, Barry Schwartz
http://video.yahoo.com/watch/266980/1885028
June 14th, 2010
10:01 pm
An updated version
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy8R5TZNV1A
June 15th, 2010
5:15 am
I think it also has to do with finance. I’d love to be married with two point four children, but I can’t afford it.
June 15th, 2010
5:46 am
I suppose, my commet was deleted… I can repeat. Choice can be easy if you know, what you DOESEN’T want.
To be wise,one should know too much.Two rules to begin with…You’d better starve,than to eat anything And better be alone,than to be with anybody.
Omar Khayam
The Rubayat
June 15th, 2010
6:39 am
Hey Claire.. It’s free for the Kindle, but is it for the Sony Reader as well?
Thanks
June 15th, 2010
8:36 am
Fun post, but I’m not sure things are so different for today’s 20 or 30 somethings than it was for me at that age. Maybe things were different in our grandparents day, but the choices with marriage and partnerships have been wide open for a long time.
As someone who has been happily married for almost 20 years to my soulmate, I think choices are a good thing. I went after finding my life mate and father of my child in much the same way I go after manifesting anything that I want in my life. Timing is everything & we were both ready to commit as we hit our late thirties and we married after knowing each other only 3 months! He was one of the first men I met after making up my mind that I was ready.He knew instantly, it took me a little longer.
I think the younger you are, the harder it is to make a good choice in marriage because everyone changes a LOT during their 20′s and 30′s. I’m always amazed at people who are *happy* in long marriages that started when they were really young and I think it is rare because it is hard to do. Of course WHO you marry is more important than when, but the more things in your favor the better because long term healthy relationships take work and commitment.
I was willing to risk not having a family at all if I didn’t find the right partner. We both certainly learned a lot from other long term relationships in our 20′s and 30′s.
Although I do agree with @Dan’s great point:
“The two people together are the choosers and marriage (a lifetime commitment to one another) is what’s being chosen.”
Even as a kid I always thought I’d marry late and have just one child at the last moment and I advise the same to my daughter. Once you add a child, there is a huge change in the relationship and responsibilities. Having total freedom in your 20′s and 30′s is a luxury and a wonderful time to learn about yourself and what is important to you.
Women are at a certain disadvantage time-wise because of biological clocks and they still statistically do more of the housecleaning, cooking, and care of children in a marriage.
We thought we’d have a child right away, but things did not work that way & that turned out to be a blessing in disguise because having a long time as couple before having a child gave us time to cement that dynamic before adding another.
I so agree with you @Lynda “deeply fulfilling experience of a decades long intimate relationship” is perhaps one of the greatest joys of life and so sadly, it’s rare today. For the sake of the kids, I wish more would do the work required once they make the choice and commitment.
June 15th, 2010
9:17 am
Lucky me I don’t have this choister habit, because I always follow my instincts.
When I met my partner a long time ago, there was this “babababoom” and that’s it! No complications of going through this choosing stuff!
Regards,
Alex Tagus
June 15th, 2010
2:58 pm
I was in a food co-op the other day and commented to a girl about the massive variety of milk substitutes. Five shelves filled five-feet wide with milk-ish options. “Wow!” I said to her. She laughed and told me her simple solution…
Her mother had purchased every single brand and type of rice, almond, and soy milk and tried them at home. Dozens of varieties. She told her daughter which one tasted the best. So that’s the one her daughter drinks.
So her daughter told me. She was right and now that’s the one I drink.
See! All you need to do is find someone to do that with relationship partners for you. It’s easy as Organic-Unsweetened-Vegan-Raw-Pie!
June 15th, 2010
4:41 pm
Hello Tim,
We plan to visit San Francisco from July 10 to July 15 2010. Do you suggest any food we should try and place to hang out.
Regards
June 19th, 2010
12:15 am
SF Ferry Building and farmers’ market.
June 15th, 2010
6:14 pm
Part of my choice paralysis (a college chum called it being a “decision magician”) was not being clear on what I wanted in a partner. How do you know what to look for when you’re not sure about what you want?
Doing the free in-depth questionnaire on eHarmony is very useful, even if you don’t sign up for matching service. The analysis it told me a lot about myself and I started thinking about very specific qualities to look for in a person. Then I signed up for eHarmony and looked at matches they sent me, trying very hard to keep focused on specific qualities and not trying to get hung up on any one guy. A lot of the men had the same first names, so to keep track of them I gave them nicknames (“Mountain Man” posted a photo of himself canoeing on a mountain lake, “The Dish” was a guy that made me say, “Would you look at the dish?” when I first saw his photo…).
Another method I used to think about qualities was to use tarot cards (you don’t need to be. I selected 30 cards and put them in a circle around me. Chose the ten cards with images that disturbed me the most, and those were bad qualities to look out for in a potential mate. I chose another 10 cards that I didn’t care for, and those were things to watch out for in my own psyche or lessons to be learned. The ten cards that remained were the qualities I could look for in a partner.
Between the cards and the eHarmony profile, I got a much better understanding of myself and was able to relax and have fun checking out the guys that were potential matches. I found a guy pretty quickly who fit the bill. Of course, I let my dog and horse confirm my selection, as they are both very sensitive and are good judges of character.
It was a bit of red tape (“The Dish” turned out to be a Kiwi and we had to apply for a green card in the US), but we got married last year and I am very happy with the choice I made. My mother told me just this week that I couldn’t have picked a better son-in-law for her — and I owe it all to a dating site, a deck of tarot cards, a dog and a horse.
I loved reading Claire’s story, although when I first read it I thought that Tim had found the guy of his dreams! I’m still chuckling about that.
June 15th, 2010
6:58 pm
I too thought Tim was engaged to an Argentinian boy at first…which would be a happy choice I’m sure. But I’m secretly pleased he is not and is still avaialble to choose (me).
Thanks for the good read!
June 15th, 2010
9:28 pm
I find it so funny how confused Americans are when it comes to relationships and what they want from those relationships. The rest of the world has a much easier time making these types of decisions–trust me, there are plenty of better options in some places than some here. We should learn from what folks abroad do (innovation happens in both directions).
Most guys are dishonest. Most girls are dishonest. Stick with the most honest one and you’ll be fine. Liking peanut butter or knowing who Maradona is the least of your worries. Lower expectations, it’s goin to be alright.
June 15th, 2010
10:24 pm
This pretty much sums up the people of Los Angeles. WAY too many choices. Anyway, after two years of dating I told my bf I was going to leave some things at his house other than a toothbrush. It was a BIG step. Gathering data is one thing, learning to live with it for the rest of your life is another!! LOL
June 16th, 2010
2:22 am
Hey all
Being effective? Judge for your self!
2 weeks ago I revisited “dream line”, to my surprise, being in an intimate relationship was my 1st priority.
Lacking experience in the world of dating, I realized, doing the 80/20 analysis, that it will be time consuming and far from effective (in my case) to go online dating.
I choose to be open about it and tell everyone (and I mean everyone) I’m looking for a date.
Earlier today my friend calls asking if he can give my number to his friend, I replied with some basic questions until I got that they’re irrelevant. At this point I still need to practice dating
This evening as I complete my class, the phone rings, it’s him-my date.
We happen to be just a few blocks away from each other, so we decide to meet on the corner of 50th st & 7th ave.
By the time we get to 51st st I tell him: I’m sorry you’re not my type (damn pheromones) and I wouldn’t waste your time. (I was sincere, yet compassionate in my speaking)
At 1st he seemed confused (as most will), than he asked: how do you know? I nicely answered: from looking at you! I kissed him on both cheeks (where I’m from, we kiss) and went on my way.
The point of it all?
If you know this isn’t it, “be ruthless and cut the fat” for them, as much as for your self.
“You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and DON’T settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. ” Jobs, Steve Jobs
Love and happy dating
P.S
On the subway home, I saw a cute guy and gave him my number. ;-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmcCaCSwYYI&feature=player_embedded
June 16th, 2010
3:29 am
Hi Claire, Tim,
Excellent post … enjoyed reading it, but luckily and maybe also strangely, the “paradox of choice” has only ever paralised me concerning the “little things” in life. I can spend ages deciding whether to buy something or not, which version/colour to go for, is this really the best place to stay at when travelling, etc.
However, about the “big things in life” my inner voice/compass has always guided me correctly … I always just knew what was right for me (at that time) and often took a (slightly) different path.
I can’t really explain this?! I’m more the scientific type, rather than the airy-fairy new-age type.
I met my partner in Bangkok while we were both travelling (good start). We share the same values and ideas about the bigger things in life, but we couldn’t have more different characters really. She is very grounded, while I’m not at all. It does make us very complimentary and she really manages to “balance” me out and makes me put things in perspective. If she would be as “freaky” (read neurotic) as I am about life’s details, that wouldn’t be a good thing. Just as Claire has experienced, you don’t need to be similar in order to hit it off … as long as you share the same ideas about the major things in life.
Being from different countries I ended up moving from Brussels to Manchester.
And, since 2 months ago, everything seems to have finally fallen into place for me. I am working from home, spend less hours working and have just become the father of a beautiful and smiley daughter!
The way I got there was kind of a cross between the 4HWW and Leap (Rick Smith).
However, I must admit that the 4HWW made the biggest impact and it motivated me to persevere in trying to break out of the 9 to 5 employee cycle. Tim, listening to your audiobook, during my daily commute, just gave me the extra motivation to take a different path.
Tim, if you ever end up near Manchester, please let me know because I would love to buy you a drink! Thanks to you I get to see my daughter grow up and enjoy life more!
Can’t thank you enough!
Kind regards
Greg
June 16th, 2010
6:47 am
I think this a great article in solving the problem of choice related issues. But I think the distance/cultural paradox in relationships can add different dimensions in choice. Including the relationship cost which will eventually evolve the creation of a central relationship hub and also the financial expenses evolved in cultivating such a relationship. It is much harder to please someone from a distance while knowing that the prospects of work and career will ultimately change greatly for one of these people. The ability to comment to change and the willingness to combine into a coherent structure will ultimately decide the fate of any relationship.
June 16th, 2010
7:25 am
Why One have to choose another person for a life long commitment?
Mariage simply killing fun and pollute fresh air, it is the death of love and passion, it’s still and will be always valide truth…..
June 16th, 2010
8:08 am
Really insightful article Claire.
I myself have been through these phases and can relate to what you wrote about.
June 16th, 2010
9:44 am
This is an interesting article to me, because I am an MBA student and have found myself in an eerily similar situation to the one described by Claire. The problem to me is that in our conscious minds, we know the pitfalls of non-commitment, but in reality our bodies have evolved to always look for the best possible mate. To me there isn’t a great way to approach it, because it seems that either way you may end up unhappy.
June 16th, 2010
10:26 am
The best people are usually taken, I myself gave up after a long relationship ended and I realised this… but then I met someone lovely at the covent garden poetry cafe, we get on very well. We are getting married in August.
Believe me, when you meet the right person for you, you just ‘know’ who it is, in fact, I wrote a poem about the whole thing… here it is
My Love
Solitude for me, thought I
Books and music for me
All gone wrong, you see
Then you came along
Fill my life with sun
All so easy
So right
Turns out
In the end
I just had to wait
For you
The one!
for more poems by me, google j”ason palmer poemhunter”
June 16th, 2010
11:08 am
NPR talked about this as well, he was a guest on the show
Cool observation.
June 16th, 2010
11:33 am
Interesting article! I wonder if choice has a major effect also on divorce rates, infidelity, and break-ups? I would like to see a study of The Choice Effect on relationships.
June 16th, 2010
12:23 pm
More and more our choices must lead to sustainable outcomes otherwise were headed for collapse or radical change. Choices are getting easier for me since I started making sustainability my ultimate value.
June 16th, 2010
8:49 pm
Tim,
I’m reminded of chatwin’s anatomy of restlessness and how 1) adornment is a primitive impulse-could not choice be an abstract Vegas strip of mental cachophony? 2) your articulation of psychic weight. your quote in 4hww from bruce lee where simplicity is the goal.
just knowing there of the paradox has helped me reduce the egg options (local large in paper cartons vs omega brown free range in styrofoam)
but then that’s why i love tapas. lil bit o this lil bit o that.
anybody have experience with children in this manner? it must be exhausting for a 10 year old with some resources.
June 16th, 2010
9:31 pm
Partner choice is an easier ‘game’ for men, than for women. Age is merciless to women, because they lose their fertility. It is fertility that is most attractive to men, which is why men tend to favor younger women.
Women are more attracted to older men, because they tend to be more established, mature, and are better able to provide for the women and her children.
The best thing for young women to do is to find a good man early before they lose their fertility signals. By the time women get to 30, they start looking a little more “cougarish” with each passing year. And no, that is not a good thing, despite what “cougars” wish to think.
Someone mentioned Helen Mirren. Yes, she used to be quite a looker, but no sane man today would call her a looker, unless he was closer to her age or older. That’s the truth.
It used to be that women in a family would guide the young woman towards a good mate that took into account things other than her “tingles” for the man. Nowadays, the “advice” is to follow your “feelings”, which amounts to “follow your tingle.”
It’s not the best advice for young women to follow their tingle after the bad boys, walking past the good ones who can give her a family life when her looks have faded.
That is reality, that is fact.
And will remain so until science figures out how to stop aging utterly in its tracks. (Don’t hold your breath waiting for it.)
This won’t matter to some women… that’s fine. But it will matter to most women, and it will matter more and more to them as they get older. The ‘clock’ is said to get louder for a reason.
June 16th, 2010
11:31 pm
I agree that having more choices often makes it difficult to choose.
However, I think it’s somewhat important to point out that you don’t NEED to choose. Picking a life long partner isn’t a requirement these days, and many of the factors that made it so important 100 years ago simply don’t exist any more. People don’t wait until marriage to have sex. Women have plenty of high quality employment opportunities. The social stigma of being single, while still around, is much less of a factor.
Aside from having children, I really don’t see a point in settling. If you really aren’t 101% happy, there is no need to commit.
Just my thoughts.
June 17th, 2010
2:17 am
love is worth the time to find… if your lucky, here is a little youtube film i made , about a nice day out, to the botanic gardens, with my girlfriend…
cuddles and kisses rule
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZKwWgFOkvg
June 17th, 2010
10:11 am
In my experience, the “choice” factor in dating and relationships is significantly different than in shampoos, cars, TV shows or restaurants.
First of all, lets not assume that everyone lives surrounded by other people. I am from (originally) a very small town, but now live in Brooklyn NY. Guess what? MOST people from my high school class are married with kids – in many cases, happily so. Small communities foster connections and relationships. Many people who live in the big city feel this isolation. Here we are, surrounded by people, and it is truly much harder to connect. This isolation is less of an issue in small towns. The phenomenon of ‘choice’ there is also significantly different.
So, what to do? I counsel men to simulate, in a way, this small town phenomena, and create a strong, vital social circle. From this, healthy, lasting relationships often form. People are more open to each other here, and one can find people that one shares things in common with. Not to say that the ‘choice’ phenomena is removed here, but it is greatly lessened.
Also, I must add that I slightly disagree with the theme that we choose our partners. At least, that we choose them in a logical manner. Sure, lists are a fine way to get out the door and start meeting people. But, in the end, a sincere connection is mostly discovered, not manufactured, or – dare I say it – even chosen.
Simply, we must all put ourselves in the best position for something to happen (social circle/community) that we cannot control (falling in love). Dare I say it, but if we find ourselves logically choosing our partner, we’ve found the wrong one…
Stephen Nash
June 17th, 2010
12:54 pm
The inability to decide between two or more things stems from lack of knowledge of each option. If you know that one product contains better ingredients you will purchase that over the inferior product. If you know that two products contain the same ingredients but one costs less you will chose the lower price.
The “knowlege” concept seems to basic but it’s the truth behind all of this discussion and everyones post. If you have the required knowledge to make the right choice it no longer becomes a choice because the other options rule themselves out.
This applies to choosing people/partners as well. If you knew everything about people upfront you could easily choose between them. The problem is that when you choose a partner is it potentially a permanent choice and you FEAR that you might gain knowledge about another person at a later date that would equate in you thinking you made the wrong choice. You didn’t make the wrong choice you simply made the best choice at that time. Everything in the world is evolving along with choices. And knowledge is power.
Matt
June 17th, 2010
3:52 pm
I think Tim is sub-conciously trying to tell him and us something. By the way, you just spoke for a lot of us so thanks for the article :)
June 17th, 2010
4:44 pm
Thank you for encouraging people to cultivate their decision making abilities.
You make a sound, logical argument.
However, creating a logical case for choosing a partner isn’t very warm or romantic, now is it? :)
I believe that we leaders should start a movement. A romantic movement. A return to a romanticism and loyalty where people allowed themselves to fall deeply, suddenly in love and then marry that person with complete and life-long loyalty.
Now that is the candy that feeds the soul.
June 17th, 2010
6:25 pm
I understand Tim’s point of view when it comes to stream lining life and jobs…I disagree when it comes to choosing a partner. I live and work in New York City and you could say from a female’s perspective that we’re choosing from 7 jam’s in stead of 24. Females are outnumbered here. I forget the statistic but I think it’s about 10-20% more males than females.
I’m practical when it comes to real estate or my job but when it comes to love…i’m all about finding the right thing. You can’t outsource love. Yes, someone can peruse a dating site for you but only you REALLY know you and what you’re looking for. Maybe by only offering 7 jam’s they really narrowed down the choices by choosing the top favorites thus making the decisions easier for those choosing.
I’m not under pressure to meet someone. If my flavors aren’t found in the top 7 flavors offered then I’m inclined to wait it out. I’d rather be alone (with my dog) than be with one of the top 7 i’m just settling for.
June 17th, 2010
9:34 pm
The decision is the hardest thing for our generation and the next generation to make. The right decision gives you more knowledge and so does the wrong decision. As parents our main goal is to help our chilldren learn to make good decisions.
My son made a comment today about a business decision we are working on. He said I know what my emotional response to this event is but I am not going to act just on my emotional response. I got a huge plus out of that.
Rick
June 18th, 2010
10:07 am
Hi Tim,
This is off topic. I remember you mentioning that you wanted to work on the US education system.
Have you written about this anywhere I can find it on the web?
June 18th, 2010
12:01 pm
Peter Drucker’s advice on employees could well apply to romantic partners: “Hire slow, fire fast.”
June 19th, 2010
3:29 am
Tim: you twittered for suggestions on your next blog topic.
I’m not on twitter and am answering here, hope that’s all right.
I would like to know: What are your one or two default maxims for the present moment?
What I mean is, when you have a moment of uncertainty, or when you wish simply to stay centered, what one or two principles do you instinctively fall back to?
Here are mine: “In male fide” and “Nimbus.” And a distant third in terms of frequency, is a sort of geometric symbol I drew that embodies stoic virtues.
June 20th, 2010
2:44 am
I would have to add a fourth after watching Cesar Milan recently: Calm Assertive Energy.
June 20th, 2010
10:18 am
> Choosing doesn’t limit choices—it just changes them
Well put.
I use The Rule of 3 to limit my options or bubble up the value.
I measure my choices against a two simple drivers:
1. what do I want to spend more time doing?
2. who do I want to be and what experiences do I want to create?
June 20th, 2010
11:36 am
Tim, are you finding yourself continuously single because there is no woman who can entertain you long enough? Do you feel like you are enjoying doing many things all over the world and a woman would have to be able to run at your speed, which is difficult?
June 20th, 2010
7:56 pm
Why do people constantly punish themselves by purposely doing random things? I just do not see what is so hard about finding a partner. People need to realize that things get easier once you make a choice and stay with that choice no matter what else happens. If that gift becomes a curse, stick with it.
Life is not that hard when you stop bulls****ing yourself.
June 20th, 2010
8:04 pm
Okay, first a few parameters. I’m probably not the average demographic reading this blog, I’m 52. But I’ve made some rather different choices in life – like not having children because I knew I would always want to pursue other interests like writing and a career. Children are adorable but incredibly time-consuming.
At age 34 I was going through my second divorce. At about 38 I was finally ready for real love – not just dating. This was before “friends with benefits” and “starter marriages” came into the picture. And with two divorces under my belt, I wanted a forever kind of love.
I sat down and wrote a very detailed essay of what I wanted. It was so much more than just his appearance and educational level and that he made me laugh.
I wrote about how he:
made me feel when he touched me or held my hand.
would offer to do the dishes and make the bed.
had strong values and good money skills – even if he didn’t have a ton of money.
told others about the cool things I was doing when I wasn’t even around.
was totally turned on by my body whether I was up ten pounds or down.
I read it a few times and then totally forgot about it.
A little over a year after that I met Ernie. It was one of those instant kismet things. Lightning struck. After a two hour stroll down the beach and back, I knew. We lived two hours apart – he in LA and me in San Diego. But we emailed each other furiously and talked on the phone endlessly and when he drove down for our weekend date six days later it was a done deal as I saw him walking up to my porch with flowers in hand.
About three years later we were packing up to move from San Diego to Las Vegas. In pulling stuff out of drawers, closets and everywhere else – I found that essay I wrote. I read it again. It was exactly Ernie to a T.
That was almost 13 years ago.
June 21st, 2010
1:31 am
Personally, I love having a lot of options available and choosing one of them.
But, in relationship, I let it happen. A lot of times, the guy I choose (for whatever reason) is not the best guy. Not because he is not a good enough person, but because the best person seems to be the guy who comes forward and puts efforts to have good relationship with me.
And I STILL believe most of people (if not all) are worth loving. :)
What I choose is not as important as how I choose (times and efforts spent on choosing).
So, I enjoy choosing! (because it is so random and it is like a play- And I know I can make myself happy no matter what I choose) I guess that makes me choiseter?
June 21st, 2010
11:31 am
The other dimension to this is, once chosen, once you become a family, know for sure that any breakdown in that is going to severely limit your options. We are trying for the 4HWW in a blended family of teen and preteen kids who want/need access to their other parent. It makes the mini retirements and life style options challenging in whole new ways. We are doing it, but chosing better the first time would have made this a whole lot easier.
June 21st, 2010
7:04 pm
Thanks for approving my comment ;)
June 21st, 2010
9:10 pm
Hey there, not strictly related to this post but kind of…, here’s a suggestion or possibly even a request for a favour –
it’d be so nice to connect with people (both sexes :) ) face to face that live life first hand, and make their own rules for life – and I figure a fair amount of these people have read Four Hour Work Week. Any chance you could set up a platform where we get to connect with others who are on the Four Hour Work Week journey who are in our geographic location, or who we can connect with when we travel? Anyone else interested in something like this? Thanks, Lisa PS… I’d consider doing the work to make it happen if you’re happy to provide the interface…
June 22nd, 2010
12:18 am
My favorite quote: “Choosing doesn’t limit choices—it just changes them. So feel free to pick that city, that career, that partner, knowing that even commitment brings a whole new set of options – children/pets/red and blue houses – to be excited (and angsty) about.”
Relationships just change the nature of the choices you make, you still get to enjoy variety… though as a single man in LA, I can argue that being a “choice-ster” is tough to pass up.
June 22nd, 2010
2:22 am
“The greatest enemy of a good plan is the dream of a perfect one” Carl von Clausewitz
A reasonable plan executed in time is better than a perfect plan hatched in a prison camp” Patton
June 22nd, 2010
7:13 am
Sue writes,
“I also found a definite tone of “single is bad” pervading the article. I have been married (for eleven years) and can tell you that marriage isn’t for everyone, and certainly not for me. At age 55, I’m much happier with friends with benefits. We are programmed to think that we must marry, and that’s just not true.”
I just wanted to bump up this comment because I think it’s true. If I became married right now (age 23) it would be out of fear-of-being-alone, whereas what I really want is the freedom to say “This week, I’m going to fly to Tokyo” without worrying about what the wife will say / who will watch the kids / etc.
You can have a boyfriend / girlfriend and still be satisfied, and without making vows you can still take your trip to Tokyo without feeling guilty. Another big factor behind staying un-married is I can flirt with people. I don’t want to feel guilty if that cute waitress is batting lashes at me. Not ashamed of this, this is part of human communication and I think we get depressed if we choke this from our lives.
I’m really weird and think an ideal relationship should be open enough that there isn’t constant jealousy / looking over each others backs. Sexual attraction seems to be fueled by a desire of someones individuality. The flame dies when somebody is no longer leading their own life, but their life revolves entirely around you.
Now, if I wanted kids, this would be a different story. But, I don’t care about kids so I’m with Bill Maher on the marriage thing–
Cyrus
June 22nd, 2010
6:28 pm
I think it’s possible to stop constantly wondering if another better option (woman ) will appear. You’ll know when you meet her. xo
MaryJo
June 22nd, 2010
10:40 pm
I agree that choices can be paralyzing, and we have to avoid that paralysis in order to make decisions. Having said that, I think part of the problem here is the institution of marriage. I believe in ethical polyamory; we shouldn’t have to choose just one person to love, and we shouldn’t assume that the standard two-person relationship is best.
June 23rd, 2010
3:10 am
Interesting article. I don’t really think I fall into the choister category. I just set a handful of baseline requirements and it has narrowed the field dramatically. At least, its sure doing a good job of keeping me away from the toxic relationships I used to be so good at finding. I’ve now hit a point where i figure that as long as I stick to my baseline criteria (filters really), the mate will come when the time is right.
June 23rd, 2010
9:39 pm
The best choices always arise when you are not looking for them.
June 24th, 2010
4:06 pm
Making choices is about moving forward in your life no matter what the subject. Your health, wealth, spirit and relationships are shaped by your choices. The greater sin is to not choosing. That is the worst option.
June 24th, 2010
8:27 pm
Tim-
Great post, I think I have been called confused or gay over the past 6 at least a dozen times by girls, as I am still traveling alone, with a cameraman.
I have to agree 100 percent with the “choice” idea and still think Hugh Hefner has it all figured out, although society may disagree.
Side note-Watching “Real Superhumans” on Discovery HD, I am sure you have tackled the features they have on here, but in case not, its great stuff…
Looking forward to case studing the next book and hosting you at the first annual travel hacking convention, waiting to hear from Amy on that. Hows that for an invite as the closing speaker?
Aaron
June 25th, 2010
1:52 am
Haha, Tim!!
Like Richard, at first I thought you were going to marry a man.
June 25th, 2010
1:52 am
You have to go out into the real world and meet lots of people via your hobbies, birds of a feather….
btw, having reading the 4 hour work week ( amazingly awesome book, so, do go out and buy it, if your reading this but not got the book yet ) I unsubscribe to auto blog post updates, to keep me focused, on other things
E is for eliminate :)
June 25th, 2010
7:45 am
Yes, finally Tim Ferriss touches the most important subject of them all, relationships!! :)
June 25th, 2010
12:08 pm
Great post! I found myself devouring the authors website during the following days and reading the blog comments is really insightfull, thanks to all!
Personnaly, being only 26 and having dated a few mean, I don’t think this post would have been valuable to me 5 years or even 6 months ago. Life experiences and the knowledge that I have gained from them are ultimately what helps me define what I want in my life. Saying that, I am sure that one would agree that life changes everyday and everyday is a potential new experience that will change oneself… Therefore, how can we expect to want the same thing in the future?
I had been single for 2 years before I recently went on 5 weeks vacation in Australasia and met several new potential ”dating options”. One of them turned out to be someone I could truly see myself getting attached to. But, he lives on the other side of the world and who knows if he could care as much for me as I would for him. My point is, having the choice to buy rasberry jam is not the same thing as having to chose a partner, I may chose Johnny Depp tomorrow but I doubt he will chose me. Chance, faith and ”the other poeple” come into the equation and make it impossible to rationalize it all… and let’s face it, not everyone can chose anyone… I’m very lucky to be an attractive female and a lot of people tell me that I can have any guy I want, yet I don’t want any of them most of the time! Too many choices may be raising my expectations and maybe if I set my standards lower I would find someone ideal for me.
But should we lower our expectations?
June 27th, 2010
7:07 pm
Totally offtopic, but i had to ask! Did you went this week to the Django Reinhardt festival in Samois (France) ? If not, you really have an identical twin brother ;). Friendly Greetings from Demi. The Netherlands.
June 27th, 2010
11:15 pm
Damn good post Claire/Tim.
I’ve definitely dealt with the problem of too much choice. I like how you tie the choices to not just relationships. I’m 3.5 years into my couchsurfing adventures, and relationships have been just a few of the choices I’ve had to deal with. I am a firm believer that we learn from every decision, every action, or at least the result…. I recently had a relationship that I Thought WAS going to last. She’s an ENTP like me, and was able to keep my attention… but as you said in the article, if you want a mud hut….. I travel a lot, she wants a home base, and only likes to travel occasionally.
So, from that, I’ve learned a few more things that I have to add to the check list. I’ve now actually been following the advice given in this post, and have actually been turning down some people that while the sex and time spent would be fun, I did not see that there was a future… and at my old age (33), I’d like to start heading in the direction of a relationhip that lasts.
Thanks for the wonderful insights!
June 28th, 2010
10:16 am
To all the questioners of the world if they made the right decision,
And specifically to your single female friend (funny eh, that we have to a word so as to not infer “girlfriend” as in a partner – drives me mad),
If you made the choice to not be with any of the former men, then you didn’t make any mistakes. If you were meant to be with one of them ~ you would be. Simple as that. Guess what? That’s the easy part. Just knowing that you made a choice that feels good then and NOW (which is really most important), guess what could be around the corner?
The man you choose to be with. Because when it feels right, it will be right and it will happen!
Now go out there and have the best relationship ever with yourself and watch who rounds the next corner…
Ah Choices,
Can’t live with ‘em, Can’t live without ‘ em,
Best wishes only,
Lux Ladywriter,
June 28th, 2010
9:31 pm
Dear Community
At the hardest most intense part in yoga class today, as I’m DRIPPING
sweet, the teacher played this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIp1ASX43vo
A brilliant move on his part!!!
I read the lyrics (while listening to it again and again…) and posting this video seemed relevant to THE topic!!!
Enjoy
June 28th, 2010
10:27 pm
Evidently, English is my 2nd language…
this was supposed to be DRIPPING sweat…
;-)
June 28th, 2010
11:17 pm
Choices! The holy grail of failure.
I know what it’s like having choices. I’d love to talk about my college days having so many ***** to choose from. (but I won’t expose myself on the internet). Sometimes, I feel it was just an excuse to stay single and not make a decision.
Early when I started out in business there were so many businesses to choose from, jumping from business to business seemed to be my thing and anything new caught my attention. It was just exciting to start something new (forget about finishing them).
But eventually it all boils down to mindset. And, yes that word again “Decision”
If you make a decision to stick to one business at a time. The decision to stick to one woman, the decision to complete every task you start. The way you look at the world will change.
June 29th, 2010
3:22 am
Great article.
Personally I don’t think people want to commit, to many temptations. People just don’t want to settle down anymore.
June 29th, 2010
10:44 am
these comments are amazingly entertaining to read! Thanks, Tim and everyone.
June 29th, 2010
7:43 pm
From what I see, as well as teaching lots of single guys how to dance and socialize with women, most people find that they don’t have a lot of choices and settle with whatever comes their way.
I recommend an abundance (rather than scarcity) mentality. Dating suddenly becomes really interesting.
June 30th, 2010
3:50 am
I would recommend reading some books from the personal MBA list. I have read these and found the concepts very useful:
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini
Permission Marketing by Seth Godin
Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales
The Art of the Start by Guy Kawasaki
Getting Things Done by David
(of course Tim’s book, too)
June 30th, 2010
6:52 am
TIM!
This is a GREAT article. Is it a sign that I am going through this exact same thing at this very moment? My boyfriend and I have gone through this argument many times. Me being the decisive one and him, not so much. He’s always changing his mind about where he wants to live in the future, what he wants to do with his life,even his hobbies change on a weekly basis. He wants to have it all and cant seem to ever CHOOSE. Is there anyway I can get him to read this without telling him that hes suffering from the “choice effect?”
You’re great! We both worship you!
July 6th, 2010
7:44 am
It’s only really a problem if you WANT to be in a relationship. Otherwise, the wide array of choice isn’t a bad thing.
There’s also the flip side: what if you have too FEW choices? You might have only 3 people to pick from, but if you don’t want either of those three, you’re also in a pickle.
July 6th, 2010
11:24 am
Love the post. I think we’ve all been caught in indecision at some point and all agree (at least for those who have escaped) that it stinks. Great article to refer to another who is caught up in it.
July 6th, 2010
11:47 am
Interesting take on the choice effect. Life is all about sorting through the options and then fully committing to the final decision. Thank you for your insight.
July 7th, 2010
4:38 pm
this is EXACTLY what’s gone on with me
July 9th, 2010
10:56 pm
The title of this post resonated with me, but the content didn’t as much. I don’t suffer from a paradox of choice, but rather a lack of options, I suppose.
How does a 29 year old woman meet a (straight, available) man in this city? (San Francisco) I’m beginning to think that the answer is…she does not.
Tim, after reading your book about 1.5 years ago, I started my own business on the side and made major strides in my career. I started to delegate more and reduce stress in my daily life. I also started distance running and ran my first half marathon, lost 15 pounds…etc. So pretty much all good stuff. The one thing that hasn’t changed at all and has maybe gotten worse is meeting someone and/or making a connection.
So having the problem to have to choose between multiple people would be great at this point.
If you figure it out – maybe that can be your third book.
July 11th, 2010
7:37 pm
HI , excellente post!!!!!.hahaha I thought Tim was engaged to a boy from Argentina too.hahhaha and iam from Argentina hahahah.thanks TIM a bought your wook and you´re my mentor.!!!!!!
July 11th, 2010
9:24 pm
Lisa-
You sound like an awesome catch!
Most women I run across who have their life in order, and are looking for a man can improve their chances in 2 big ways.
1. Put yourself out there more- put yourself in more situations where you can meet guys. It doesn’t have to be the bars, but lounges, book stores, or online dating sites all help, and when you do learn to recognize when a guy IS trying to flirt with you. Many women can’t.
2. Don’t wait for the guy to approach you- because of work and how anti personal life is becoming, many guys are pretty shy. Feel free to step up and let a guy know CLEARLY when you are interested.
A friend just told me a story how he was out eating at Subway and a girl next to him asked him to open her drink, the cap was on too tight. He did and said it was easy, her friend them commented “are you blind”. It still didn’t click till he left, that she was trying to initiate a conversation. I asked him why he didnt go back in and he said he was too embarrassed to.
July 12th, 2010
8:01 am
So true…Liz Gilbert explored the same in one of her books. (I forget which one-I’ve read all of them) . Anyway, when it comes to relationships, I don’t think it should be about “choosing” the way you choose a pair of pants. In the beginning it is, of course. But, if you love the person you’re with and the relationship is healthy, I can’t imagine what is difficult about “choosing” to marry that person. I met my husband when I was 17. We were just friends for 2 1/2 years and one day we told each other we were in love w/ each other. And the rest is history. We’ve been together for 10 years now. I didn’t seek out certain criteria. The man I fell in love with just happened to be perfect. Yes, I was lucky. But I’m not sure love is about “choosing”. I think it just happens. Love of course is not the only factor when choosing a spouse, but it is the most difficult part to find and also the most important.
July 14th, 2010
3:10 am
I have actually been trying to limit my available choices for the last 6 months to get more focused…
July 20th, 2010
8:21 am
I think that men should give up on marriage and face the fact that 95% of women are prostitutes at heart. The rest are lesbians. Marriage is a “stable,” government sanctioned, legally binding form of prostitution.
And it is more expensive than the most beautiful hooker in Thailand.
Men, give up the illusion of affection, care and tenderness from a women and grow a pair. You will never find another mother. Women do not want to mother you, they want to mother small children. And they want you to support them while they do.
Live your life, focus on making money and having fun. Get a vasectomy. Women will come and go as long as you stay healthy and have money, even if you are honest with them and tell them your plans to stay legally single. Most will leave when they finally accept that they are unable to change you despite the power they wield through their sexuality.
Maybe someday some woman will love you enough that she will stay with you despite your unwillingness to give her your hand in marriage – that is, your money. At that point you can finally wonder if this woman who is willing to give up the ultimate payday of marriage to be with you isn’t interested in something besides money – namely, you.
July 20th, 2010
10:58 am
The most beautiful hooker in Thailand was born a man :)
July 20th, 2010
10:29 pm
I found this blog, as well as many of the comments, very interesting.
I feel a bit of a need to chime in. I find it curious how many people look at “true love” as something that just comes and is meant to be.
When I met my now husband (G), I was very much emotionally hung up on an ex-boyfriend who was writing and calling me. When G proposed that we begin courting (yes, old fashioned, I know), I had a choice to make. I liked what I knew of G but was honestly not googly eyed over him. I had been hopelessly “in-love” with my ex for years.
So I, being a rather logic oriented person, actually wrote out lists of what I knew of both of them. The two biggest factors were honesty and commitment.
After 10 happy years of marriage, I can honestly say that I have never regretted my choice, while many of my friends who subscribed to the “fall in love”/”can’t help who you love” mentalities have married and divorced in a shorter time frame or are in “loveless” marriages.
My husband and I are more than “roomates or companions,” as one commented… we are lovers and best friends. He treats me like the queen of his world and I love and respect him as the king of mine! But it started with an objective look at what I wanted in a life-long mate.
Like attitude, ultimately LOVE IS A CHOICE. Great in-sight, Claire!
July 21st, 2010
2:16 am
To Adam:
Your view is very understandable(maybe from your past bad experiences), but not true at all.
If you are one of the few men who can live by themselves happily. Great for you!
But if you see 95% of women as prostitutes and the rest as lesbians, it is most likely you don’t understand women, don’t even have good “having fun” life let alone relationship or marriage.
From what I can tell,
Men are who need to marry. Well, women, we don’t really need to marry and actually live happier, more fulfilling lives without being married. -Maybe except Joy above.
Keeping choices open is not worth just for its sake (for hanging out with random prostitutes) with no hope of enjoying moments of meeting other beautiful human beings. That is too sad and pessimistic.
July 21st, 2010
4:55 am
To Adam (July 20),
First of all, if a woman is independent and successful, how can you consider her a “hooker”? Do you just assume that no women work and look for a man to support them? I’m not sure how old you are, but it’s pretty obvious you’ve never been in love. Being in a relationship is not just about getting regular sex at will. Sure that’s a nice part of it….not having to search for it when you want it, but there is a lot more to a relationship, particularly marriage. It’s an equal partnership. At least it is in my house.And, It’s what you put into it, not what you get out of it. It’s about being able to be selfless without it feeling like
a sacrifice, and getting the same in return. A good marriage shows you what life is about. It’s a beautiful thing if it’s done right.
July 23rd, 2010
9:19 am
I once heard that love is not about what you can get, but about what you can give. Being “in love” is wonderful, however eventually the initial gloss of a person wears off. It is then time to walk in love. I can guarantee that you will continually come across more “qualified” persons than your spouse. Love will stretch and test you, however it will also be one of the greatest blessings in your life. It is a blessing to see older couples who, after many years of laughter and tears, are still loving on one another and enjoying their lives.
July 23rd, 2010
12:29 pm
Someone said that love was invented by the communists to have sex for free…
July 25th, 2010
1:32 pm
@Daniele, lol :-)
July 27th, 2010
10:47 am
I agree with the debunking comment. I believe they had a discussion of this study in The Long Tail (not that I’m reading that now – low info you know) that gets into greater detail that most people have misquoted or taken things out of context from original study.
July 30th, 2010
2:10 am
this article of FT fit perfectly here
http://www.bauhaus-dessau.de/kolleg/servecity/pdf/paper/paper_tribal_worker.pdf
July 30th, 2010
8:21 pm
I was married for 16 years, 14 great years. Now that I am single I have much more of the 3T’s. Time, Travel and Tail. :)
July 31st, 2010
7:09 am
I’m well aware of the Paradox of Choice when it comes to the sales world but I’ve never seen it put into a relationship perspective.
I think you could have reduce most of what you wrote down to: what do I want and when I find it I need to make a commitment too it and stop screwing around.
Now, what about the “I’m too damn busy to get out and meet anyone” problem.
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